My Life In Porn Is Finally Over | HumorOutcasts

My Life In Porn Is Finally Over

November 11, 2013
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You may remember a few posts back that I had a new job working for an adult entertainment company that provides content for Video On Demand. Personally, I’m not a big fan of porn and it wasn’t a job I wanted but when your bank account dips into the double-digits, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Originally, I was hired to be a VOD coordinator and only had to QC (that’s quality control for you newbies) the porn part of the day and do the coordinating the rest. Then something horrible happened: A XXX movie went out instead of the X it was supposed to be. Customers got mad, cable companies were infuriated, and higher ups were going to get fired.

I found it strange that customers who ordered the porn in the first place would be upset because they got a XXX movie instead of the X they paid for. That’s like buying ten McNuggets, opening the box and finding twenty. And when exactly does porn become too much porn? “Gee, I was fine with seeing them screw from afar but once I saw close ups of the bits and pieces, I was outraged.”

So, as a result of this travesty, I was appointed the full-time QC guy. Nothing starts a morning off right like a hot cup of coffee and people screwing. They have a different idea of what the most important meal of the day is. To be honest, I didn’t mind my new position. The company was a mess and I dreaded going to that office every day.

On the other hand, the QC place was offsite and it was quiet. I was the only employee from the company who was there so I could pretty much do as I pleased. The cubicle was bigger and had a TV. I could watch the porn on the computer and The Chew on the TV at the same time. That’s what we in the biz call multi-tasking.

I’m not going to lie. At first I’ll admit, I was aroused a little while watching. There were even a few times I had to wait to get up from behind my desk to go to lunch. In the beginning, I would get self-conscious when someone walked by because I didn’t want them to think I was a pervert. Then I would remember: Oh, yeah, this is my job. The absurdity of that statement hit me. This is my job. I watch porn for a living. I get paid to do something millions of guys do in their basements everyday for free. Is this a great country or what?

The whole arousal thing started to fade and gave way to what I like to call The Stages. First there was the List Stage: My wife might do that. She doesn’t do that. Oh, man, she’d never do that. That was soon followed by the Gynecologist Stage where you don’t want to take your work home with you: “I’m happy to see you too, honey, but if I have to look at one more vagina…”

There was the Analytical Stage where I noticed a pattern to every movie. The same positions, the same sex acts, all in the same order. I also noticed you always see the same actors. They started to become like annoying co-workers you get sick of seeing everyday. I would hit play and be like, “Not this dude again.” It also occurred to me that porn stars aren’t hot anymore. They’re pretty skanky. Their eyes say “Take me” while their bodies say “But you’re definitely gonna need a penicillin shot when we’re done.”

Then there’s the whole amateur porn genre that I honestly don’t get. Who wants to see amateurs? I don’t want to watch people have sex who look like they could live next door. That’s just gross. And when it turns out they actually do live next door, it’s also awkward.

Finally, I went through the Concern Phase. That’s when you start noticing things on the bodies of the porn actors that worry you. Gee, how did she get that scar? Did she have a C-section? Did she get that bruise falling down or does her boyfriend beat her? Damn, that guy’s right ball is hanging really low. He should see a doctor.

Thankfully, all of that is behind me. I have a new job working for a broadcast network where all of the programs I watch have actors who keep their clothes on (well, for the most part). Of course, these are the actors you actually wouldn’t mind seeing naked.

Oh, well, that’s Hollywood.

 

 

 

 

Mario Turchiarolo

Mario Turchiarolo is a film/TV/and comic book writer. He’s also a foodie who loves to cook and eat. Check out his food blog The Bite at http://the-biteblog.blogspot.com.

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16 Responses to My Life In Porn Is Finally Over

  1. November 14, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Nicely done

  2. November 13, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Getting paid to do something tends to take the fun out of it!
    BTW, I always thought the difference between X and XXX was just marketing.

  3. Deb Martin-Webster
    November 11, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    You forgot the stage where the viewers need a shot of penicillin just from watching crappy porn. Funny post Mario!

    • November 12, 2013 at 2:16 am

      Thanks, Deb! Every movie should at least come with a bottle of Purell.

  4. November 11, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    As an amateur peeping Tom I must say “Thanks for a peek into this world”. Did you quit or get laid off? (sorry, couldn’t resist).

  5. Bill Y Ledden
    November 11, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    I love porn but I know where you’re coming from.

    • November 12, 2013 at 2:17 am

      Too much of a porn thing is indeed too much, Bill.

  6. Kathy Minicozzi
    November 11, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Congratulations. I am very happy that you are out of that place and back where you belong.

    (Can you get me an audition? ;) )

    • November 12, 2013 at 2:17 am

      Thanks, Kathy! I certainly will try!

  7. November 11, 2013 at 7:26 am

    TMI to the nth degree I guess for you Mario! I am so glad you are out of there and where you want to be!!!! Great post!

    • November 12, 2013 at 2:18 am

      Thanks, Donna! It’s nice going to a job that is fun and not icky.

  8. November 11, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Do you know if that job is still open, by any chance?

    • November 12, 2013 at 2:19 am

      Oddly enough, I was replaced by someone who is also named Mario and hates the job so I’m sure it will be available again soon.

  9. November 11, 2013 at 5:11 am

    Another of those jobs that sounds better in theory than in reality.



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