Things You Can Learn From Scary Medical Emergencies

You have probably been wondering why I haven’t been posting very much on Humor Outcasts lately. Either that, or you haven’t noticed. Whatever. Anyway, a couple of Saturdays ago I was sitting at my computer playing a game of Solitaire when, all of a sudden, the vision in my left eye went blurry. At that point, I lost all interest in playing Solitaire and concentrated on being scared half out of my mind.

I called 911, after I combed my hair, brushed my teeth and made myself presentable for an emergency room visit. Remember what your mother always told you about being sure to wear good, clean underwear because you never knew when you might get hit by a truck? Well, the same principle applies to hair and teeth. Even if you might be dying, you don’t want the hospital staff to think you are a slob.

So okay. The ambulance came, they brought me to Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital because I asked them to, I was deposited in the ER, and, as expected, was examined by the ophthalmology resident several hours later. They couldn’t find what was wrong with my eye, but gave me enough tests to assure me that it wasn’t anything horrible, except for not being able to see out of my left eye. Two days later I went back for a follow-up visit in their clinic, where they have better equipment, and it was discovered that the artificial lens that had been put in my eye during a cataract operation several years ago had slipped and fallen. My blood vessels and brain were still in normal condition (well, normal for me, anyway). So I went back again the next day, got examined by a top-notch ophthalmologist, and was scheduled to go back again the next day to meet with a top-notch eye surgeon. The day after THAT I had the surgery. I’m still recovering, but I have vision again in that eye.

So what can a person learn from this?

1. If you go into the ER suffering from anything that could remotely result in some procedure, they won’t allow you a drink of water or food until the doctor sees you, which is bound to be several hours after you get there. You can build up a mighty thirst. When they finally allow you to eat and drink, they will bring you a plastic container with a chicken salad sandwich, a cookie and some very sweet lemonade. They won’t remember to bring you water.

2. If you can’t see very well, every doctor who sees you will be cute. You only get the ugly doctors when your vision is perfect.

3. It won’t do you any good to memorize eye charts, because the doctor keeps changing them, anyway.

4. An ophthalmology examination chair is a comfortable place to fall asleep when you have a long wait in the ER.

5. You can get really stoned from a local anesthetic, and it takes a while to wear off afterward.

6. Never argue with a nurse. You won’t win.

7. The hard wooden chair that you have to sit in to wait for exam results after the doctor sees you will not be kind to your rear end, and there will be no place to put your coat or purse.

Let’s hope that none of you will ever have to put my little gems of observation to the test.