Too Old For a Threesome & Too Young For Medicare | HumorOutcasts

Too Old For a Threesome & Too Young For Medicare

August 4, 2013
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Long time no write.

Judging by the amount of hate mail I receive every time I post… you’re welcome for your extra free time.

Today I promise to not offend anyone. If anything this little “blog” I’m about to type is a public service. Because I’m hope to answer a question or two. Not only for myself but for an entire class of potentially lost people.

So without further ado… How do you know when you’re old? For me, this morning is all about that question. That question and the question of where the fuck the Advil is.

It seems I’ve come to a crossroads at the young age of 28. I still long to play beer pong and put myself in situations I have to fight my way out of. But no longer do I find them “fun”. Despite how much I want to find them, “fun”.

No, no, no… Fun for me anymore is a gathering of diverse people, a full bar and conversation.

Yeah, I know. Every part of me is screaming and begging to be saved from this.

While I’m in no way ready to trade in my fuck all attitude, flip flops and drivers license for compliance, orthopedic shoes and Medicare Plan B. There has to be a happy middle ground right?

Fuck that douche  for elbowing me in the jaw last night.

I’m not going to lie, the pain is a big reason I’m writing this. I remember when getting hit use to not hurt. Getting the shit kicked out of you every day in high school builds up a high threshold. A threshold that doesn’t extend past my recent 28th birthday.

But so are the risks of dating someone seven years your junior. Seven years isn’t really a lot at all though.

However, I’ve come to a conclusion that same seven years in the terms of parties, has to be thought of like dog years. For every year past 23 you go, you’re seven years too old for a house party. Which means I was just ancient last night.

Ancient enough to find getting elbowed and a number of people packing heat as a turn off. But really, have house parties changed so much in five years that bringing guns are now a requirement?

Maybe I am just too old. Seriously I even found it annoying that a friend of mine had a threesome last night. Not that I have anything against threesomes. It’s just that he, her and the thing with no defining characteristics of sexuality were being too loud and I needed sleep. Oh, well, I guess the day you need sleep is the day you need Medicare Plan B.

elliston

Jason Elia

I wrote the novella Elliston. Stephen Baldwin once said my words in a movie I wrote. And I'm your Jedi James Dean in flip flops.

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3 Responses to Too Old For a Threesome & Too Young For Medicare

  1. August 5, 2013 at 5:01 am

    I measure being old by how many aches and pains you have.

  2. August 4, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Glad to see you’ve been getting my mail. 🙂

  3. August 4, 2013 at 11:17 am

    Somehow, I have a hard time picturing you beyond 28 and/or the day you think threesomes are too young for you! Too funny!



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