The eulogy at my funeral will just be an awkward silence before someone finally says, “Well, the important thing is he’s dead. Let’s party.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2013
Dear motorcycle guy weaving through traffic: Don’t bother wearing a helmet. There’s obviously nothing going on in your head worth protecting
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2013
Me: “Want a gift?”
Wife: “Not if it’s your penis.”
M: “It’s not”
W: “Fine, what is it?
M: “I lied. It’s my penis”
Married sex is hard.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2013
Alcohol: Because being an adult should have at least one perk.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2013
My little girls chose to wear matching outfits today. This will change in their teens, when wearing similar apparel will cause a knife fight
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2013