As this long, cold, lonely winter turns into more winter, many are asking, “What the fuck’s going on here?” Well the answer is simple because a winter this extreme can only mean one thing: we have become too gay.
Yes, if we’ve learned one thing in recent years from people like television evangelist and part-time meteorologist, Pat Robertson, it’s that extreme weather is due to the fact that, as the Westboro Baptist Church says so eloquently, “God Hates Fags!” Sure, god hates other liberal shit too, like abortion, but really it’s the advancement of the gay agenda that really pisses him off. So this winter’s weather is just his little way of saying cut that shit out.
I can’t speak for others, but I can tell you that god’s plan is working on me, because my fear of blizzards, tornadoes, hurricanes, droughts, floods, etc. is the only thing that keeps me from corn-holing other men. Well, that and the fact that your average man’s corn-hole is really rather disgusting.
But if Robertson and his ilk are right, god must be really hatin’ on the gays this winter because I estimate my testicles will thaw sometime in mid-July.
Since early December, we have been hit almost daily with a barrage of extreme cold temperatures and massive piles of snow sure to discourage even priests and Boy Scout leaders from preferring sausage over tacos. While that kind of weather may put a damper on your average gay pride parade, it would seem to encourage participation in such sinful activities as men’s figure skating, or even worse, the two-man luge. So go figure.
But then I guess god works in mysterious ways, because even the south, where his favorite people reside, has been hit this winter by his frigid wrath. Atlanta has been nailed with ice storms that put traffic at a standstill, which, if you’ve ever been to Atlanta you know is no different from any other day there, so I don’t know what the big fucking deal was. Nevertheless, fingers were pointed back and forth between the mayor of Atlanta and the governor of Georgia as to which of the two was to blame. My guess is it’s the gay one.
While god’s ire towards homosexuality seems like a sound theory for extreme weather, scientists believe it is due to some silliness they refer to as “climate change.” We also hear them spout other scientific terms such as “global warming” and one that has come up numerous times this winter called “polar vortex.”
Polar vortex—or in its plural form, polar vortexans—is meteorological-speak for “Holy crap! More below zero temps? We’d better come up with a name for this shit. Let’s see… um… how about ‘polar vortex’?” This phenomenon involves giant cyclones whipping up at either of the planet’s two poles. Since the gay population at either pole is believed to be somewhere around zero, it seem scientists may be onto something here. I mean why would god bother with cyclones in areas where maybe, at best, a couple of Eskimos are playing “hide the harpoon” in each other’s igloos? If you really want to scare the gay away, try whipping up a vortex in places like San Francisco or Las Vegas, or better yet, in Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s bedroom.
So once again it’s god vs. science and usually in these arguments, god wins.
After all, it’s much easier to put the future of the planet in his hands than it is to do something about it.