I once convinced my toddler that my pregnant wife swallowed a seed and has a watermelon growing in her stomach. Childhood must be terrifying
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014
3-year-old:*asks “Why?” for 99th time* Me: I don’t know 3: Are you not smart? It’s a fair question. If I were bright I wouldn’t have kids
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014
Pregnant wife: Ew! Why’d you lick my stomach?! 3-year-old: I wanted to taste the baby It’ll be a long, long time before we let her babysit
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014
Me: Which hand is this? 3-year-old: Right! M: And this one? 3: Wrong! Technically she’s correct since left-handed people are witches.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014
3-year-old: Put my hair in a ponytail! Me: Sure. *tries for 20 minutes* 3: Ow! Don’t panic. I can fix this knot. *shaves her head*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 14, 2014