Having a five-year-old boy, I am reminded of how much kids like gross stuff. I don’t know what it is about bodily functions, and disgusting activities that appeals to the younger set. Right now, we are in that stage where little brother picks his nose and then chases sister around with “booger hands.” Hearing her scream, you’d think he was lunging at her with an ax, but apparently booger germs are worse.
When I was a kid, we had jokes that started out, “What’s grosser than gross?” A particular favorite was:
What’s grosser than gross?
Sliding down the Empire State Building and getting your eyelid caught on a nail!
Technically, I’m not even sure that is a joke, but the collective ewww it elicited always made the boys laugh.
Nowadays, they have “Would you rather?”
Would you rather lick toe jam from a hobo’s foot, or kiss a big, sweaty guy’s chest?
Would you rather immerse your body in a tub of cockroaches, or dive head first into a pool of tobacco spit?
Most recently, I was asked, “Would you rather bleed maple syrup, or sneeze grape jelly?”
I had to give this some serious consideration. Being the mother of five, I can see a convenience factor in both scenarios. Packing lunches would be much faster if I could just sneeze the ingredients onto those five PB&J sandwiches. Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Right down the line.
On the other hand, a little prick in my fingertip would eliminate the mess that comes from a five-year-old attempting to pour syrup over his waffles. And it would already be heated.
Some people actually do bleed maple syrup. For example: Aunt Jemima.
If snot was grape jelly, I wouldn’t have to buy those expensive squeeze bottles anymore. A nasal aspirator would work just fine!
There are downsides though:
What if you had a grape allergy? Yeah, that snot even funny.
Or if blood were maple syrup, everyone would want to be a vampire. And I imagine people would be lining up at the bloodmobile with their waffle irons.
On the upside, a clot in the leg could be resolved with a syrup tap. And instead of pads, women could save money by using pancakes. And on heavy days, they could use Belgian waffles!
After weighing the pros and cons, I finally decided that I would rather sneeze grape jelly, even though it might put me in a real jam. But I’m okay with that, as long as nobody chases me around with booger hands.
I love a good gross-out, as long as it is strictly verbal. When it turns physical, I run.
Wow. Vivid, vivid grossies. Read this stuff to your kids while feeding them groats. You know what they’ll say? Groaaaats!
That was baaaaad!
Well, shoot. I guess I’m not 5 anymore.
Aren’t all men really only five at heart? I bet you still appreciate a good ewww!
Ew.
I’m so proud of you for writing a lead-in like, “If snot was grape jelly . . .”
As a former gross boy, I do remember the challenges. I won one day by licking the gutter water. My youngest daughter is currently being tormented by the booger-eating boy in her classroom.
You nailed it!
I think maybe you were in my class in third grade. Were you the one who licked the drain in the floor of the school bathroom?
Great imagery Ginger. You really got my attention at Belgian waffles. But I have to say, I see the practicality of an aspirator. Patent this before it is stolen!
In Brussels, they sell Belgian Waffles on every corner, so I figured they’d appreciate my suggestion to use it for heavy flow days. They weren’t amused. I was like, “Why not? Your city icon is a little boy pissing.” It’s not like they don’t already have a weird thing going with bodily functions.