How Hot I Am

During the 10 years or so that ratemyprofessors.com existed and that I was still teaching college English, not even one student reviewer ever awarded me a chili pepper icon indicating that she (or he) thought I was “hot.”

In light of a recent Maxim magazine survey, I just don’t understand this. Maxim asked a hundred women to complete the sentence “It’s so hot when a man dot dot dots.”

Two of the responders finished the sentence with “takes his shirt off.” I’m thrilled by this answer and didn’t know women were excited so easily. I take my shirt off at the end of every day. This means I also meet the hotness criterion of showing my “abs.” Shouldn’t that be ab? I don’t know why this woman put an “s” on it. Who has more than one abdomen?

Another woman said, “It’s so hot when a man wears the hell out of a T-shirt.” You can ask my wife about this, but I once wore a T-shirt for over 20 years. At the end I’d had to cut the sleeves off, the cotton was gauzy thin, and the collar was separating. If that’s not wearing the hell out of a T-shirt, I don’t know what is. I also know “how to wear a suit.” Duh.

Respondent #7, I do have a six-pack; it’s in the refrigerator right now.

Respondent #45 finds it hot when a man “tells me what to do in the bedroom,” and my wife can certainly vouch for this qualification. Why, just this morning in the bedroom I told her, “Baby, . . . make the bed.”

To #18’s answer “uses ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ correctly on OK Cupid” I say, “You’re in luck; I meet your standards.”

I also mow the yard, act goofy, engage in witty banter, and have a weird talent.

It’s true that many of the answers were predictable like “talks dirty,” “spanks me during sex,” “bites me,” and “strips my panties with his mouth—slowly.” Obviously, tremendous modesty prevents me from saying whether I do or do not meet THESE criteria.

But besides these predictable responses was this surprise: 5 of the hundred women surveyed chose as their answer “It’s so hot when a man—cooks.” Responder #3 added that when a man cooks for her, she wants “to bang him afterward.” Ladies, I do cook. I love to grill sausage, ribs, ciabatta bread, and I cook a mean ribeye steak. Standing with my humongous spatula over blazing coals searing USDA Grade-A cow flesh, I honestly do not know how I could possibly be any hotter. I also microwave popcorn. I’m so glad to learn after all these years that the way to a woman’s—“heart”— is through food preparation.

Gentlemen, if you can’t stand being “hot,” you better stay outta the kitchen.

And do I even need to say that 4 of the lusty Maxim women who took the survey indicated the way to Maxim-ize your hotness score—as you’ve probably guessed by now—is to be funny and make ’em laugh?

(My thanks to Wildacres Retreat, where this piece was written.)