A 20-Year-Old in a 70-Year-Old Body | HumorOutcasts

A 20-Year-Old in a 70-Year-Old Body

January 2, 2017
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It creeps up on you, like a mugger on a dark street. One minute you are dancing down the sidewalk of life with energy and confidence, the next minute – WHAM! You’re on the ground, wondering where the sucker punch came from.

I’m talking about getting older. Senior citizen stuff, and all that.

It doesn’t take long to get old, because the older we get, the faster we travel through time. How else can we explain why our high school just had a 50-year reunion when we only graduated a few years ago?

Where is Albert Einstein when you need him?

The paradox is that, even if our inner selves are in denial about the passage of time, our bodies aren’t. In other words, we end up being 20-year-olds with wrinkles, cataracts, liver spots, arthritis, high blood pressure, poor balance, high blood sugar, high cholesterol, backaches, gray/white hair and/or bald spots. We are tempted to spend a lot of time in the recliner watching old retro TV shows on cable, because it’s easier to do that than to go out and do something fun.

To avoid that fate, I called a meeting between My True Self (who I call “Me”), My Brain and various parts of my body. Here is a portion of the minutes of that meeting.

ME: Thank you all for coming. I wanted to meet with you to discuss a problem and to see if we can find a solution. I keep getting messages from all of you telling me I am old. My doctor tells me the same thing, and I don’t like it. I am the same person I always was and most of the time I feel like an overage teenager. I would appreciate some support from all of you, instead of constant suggestions that I should act my age.

LEFT SHOULDER: Ow!

ME: Do you mind? I’m talking!

LEFT SHOULDER: Well, you moved the wrong way and Brain here sent a pain signal down the nervous system!

BRAIN: I get blamed for every damned thing! That’s the thanks I get for working so hard and keeping myself fit for almost 71 years!

LEFT KNEE: Fit? You call yourself fit? You can’t even keep her from falling! I have arthritis because of that!

HAIR: What about me? I’m almost all gray now. I used to be such a gorgeous shade of dark brown!

ME: Please, everybody! I have something to say and I’d like to say it!

LEFT SHOULDER, LEFT KNEE, BRAIN AND HAIR: Shut up!

The meeting degenerated into a communal shouting match and My True Self was unable to persuade my brain and my body to help her rejuvenate me.

That’s okay. I still plan to ride the carousel in Central Park, take up bicycle riding again, bum a ride on a motorcycle, take up ballroom dancing, travel to Italy and continue to see the latest movies, preferably in IMAX 3D.

Someday.

So THERE!

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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11 Responses to A 20-Year-Old in a 70-Year-Old Body

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    January 7, 2017 at 6:02 am

    I think it was Satchel Paige who said, “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”

  2. January 4, 2017 at 7:48 am

    I understand. Sadly, I understand. And yet, look at the perks – we get all kinds of discounts now! 🙂

    • January 4, 2017 at 2:38 pm

      Yes, and even free lectures and classes and stuff over at the senior center! 😀

      It almost makes arthritic knees worthwhile!

      Then, of course, there is also the contemplation of the only alternative to growing older, since eternal youth is not an option. This makes you appreciate those wrinkles and gray hairs.

  3. Deb Martin-Webster
    January 2, 2017 at 12:45 pm

    The struggle is real Kathy, really real! 😉

  4. January 2, 2017 at 8:44 am

    Oh, I hear you, Kathy (along with some similar messages from my own body parts)!

    • January 2, 2017 at 12:28 pm

      Well, I tried to reason with them (my brain and my body), but nobody ever listens to me.

  5. January 2, 2017 at 7:27 am

    Do yoga! That will bend you back in time.

    • January 2, 2017 at 12:26 pm

      I’m just afraid that once I’m bent I won’t be able to bend back! 😉

  6. Bill Spencer
    January 2, 2017 at 6:49 am

    Cool photo, Kathy!

    One way to fight back is to use an author photo from 20-30-40 years ago and stick with it. That way your IMAGE never ages.

    • January 2, 2017 at 12:25 pm

      Thanks, Bill. Once in a while, a selfie turns out okay!

      As for the use of a photo from earlier, simpler times — I have thought of that. I just hate the idea of showing up for one of my own book signings only to be thrown out as an impostor! 😉



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