Donald Trump announced that it is he, not the moon, who will cause a total eclipse of the sun on Monday over Kentucky and much of the United States. “Maybe now Mitch McConnell will come to his senses and do whatever I say,” tweeted the president. In a private meeting with the remnants of his staff the chief executive added that the eclipse will be a setback for Robert Mueller’s investigation. “He’ll get eyestrain if he tries to read all the documents and communications he has been subpoenaing in dim or no illumination and I’m not authorizing payments for flashlights or light bulbs,” the president told Jared Kushner. “Let’s see you try to bomb Guam when you have to find it in the dark,” the commander in chief then boasted in a phone call to North Korean president Kim Jong-Un. “And who the hell knows exactly where Guam is anyway?,” confided the president to his new chief of staff, retired general John F. Kelly, when he hung up the phone.
The president dismissed as fake news reports that the eclipse had been predicted for centuries and would last for two minutes and forty seconds. “This is another example of the lies told by the sensationalist media,” tweeted Trump, referring to articles in Scientific American, the journal Science and the Monthly Notices of the Royal Astronomical Society. “Besides, two minutes and forty seconds can be a long time. I could start a world war, inspire race riots and trash the values of our country in less time than that.”
His next step will be to declare that, after his death, he must be worshipped as a god, like the old Roman emperors.