Old Salts & Sailing References | HumorOutcasts

Old Salts & Sailing References

August 10, 2017
By

a old popey man

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Today I am grateful for old salts and their sailing references.  Apparently Himself is one of them because he’s got a bunch.  Yes, I managed to get his pinched bottom to the pool a few more times in the last week and as usual we laugh hysterically.  Can two old folks be kicked out for laughing?  I hope not.  But for the rest of his comments. . . he definitely could be 86’d.

 

He thinks I’m taking him to the pool because I want him to feel better, and I do, but I have an ulterior motive.  He doesn’t wear the whistling hearing aids in the pool!!!  Ah one-full-hour of bliss without me feeling like I’m hanging from a chalk board by very long acrylic nails and slipping fast!  Of course, he can’t hear a word I’m saying to him which has been a little fun, too.  For me anyway.

 

So I’ve got him noodled up enough to look like Asian cuisine and I’m starting to push and pull him around, telling him in our own unique sign language, which uses a lot of “fingers”, some more than others.  He’s hollering, “Aye, stop poking me aft.”  When he rolls to the side he says, “Me’s listing starboard!”  A noodle slipped off and poked him in the belly and he said, “Taking a torpedo to me hull!”  Why he is speaking in sailorese is beyond me.  No clue.  But I’m laughing.  So he’s continuing.  Every comedian likes a good audience and I am a great audience.  When I reach to straighten his bobbing self so he’s upright, he says, “Aye, lady, watch out for me rudder.”

 

He thinks he’s quite amusing.  And he is.  But I was trying to actually help him so I tried not to let him get away with the distractions.  He could be in public office with those distractions!  Apparently he can’t hang onto the noodles and move at the same time.  Don’t ask about gum.  So I tell him to straddle the blue noodle.  He looks at me, and groans like only a husband can.

 

“What?” I ask him, my back turned while I’m putting the other noodles on the deck.  When I turn, he has BOTH hands around that blue noodle which is sticking up from between his legs.  He is pretending to have his way with it, has a wicked look in his eye and says, “Wooohoo!  Been a looooonnnnng time!”

 

Class over!!!!  Teacher is hysterical and can’t continue. . .Matey!  Arrrggghhh!!!!

 

Mary Mooney

From cranking hair in my Midwestern town of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, to eastern Pennsylvania, to three years writing for large hotels in Jakarta, Indonesia, humor has been my constant.

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3 Responses to Old Salts & Sailing References

  1. August 14, 2017 at 8:12 am

    I think you’ve invented a new form of stand-up comedy: swim-in.

  2. Denise
    August 11, 2017 at 7:55 am

    Ok, the photo attached to this piece is going to give me major nightmares for weeks. Not yours, of course, which is lovely. That one at the top. Ha! This piece is so funny! I will be thinking and laughing about it all day.Loved it!



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