Are You Serious? Nipples Can Fall Off? | HumorOutcasts

Are You Serious? Nipples Can Fall Off?

December 5, 2011

Here is something that should make women quake with fear: Women who smoke before or after  breast lift surgery run the risk of their nipples turning black and falling off.  And before anyone asks – this is not from the National Enquirer; this is from a plastic surgeon on  Apparently, the carbon monoxide in cigarette smoke coupled with the nicotine in the cigarettes themselves can act as a tourniquet and diminish blood flow to body parts, and just like that – no nipples.

Well, that is not exactly correct. The first stage to losing one’s nipples is that said nipples turn purple and then if one does not act, they turn black and then finally, they fall off.  Okay, I have to wonder: Who wouldn’t act when nipples first turn purple?  Why is there even a black nipple stage?  I would think, when you see purple nipples you call 911 and tell the nice operator that something is amiss.  There is no way someone doesn’t notice purple nipples where regular colored nipples once were.  But, let’s just assume that you miss the purple nipple stage and one morning, black, dried up nipples are staring back at you in the mirror. What are your options?  According to the surgeon on, you have only one remedy: leeches. Yep, leeches have to attach to your breasts for a few days so that blood flow can be returned and maybe then you might get your old nipples back.

I never knew that nipples could fall off. I mean I guess if they got frostbite or something, but how many women expose their nipples in the cold for that long a period of time? Most women I know waited until they got to Fort Lauderdale for Spring break for lengthy nipple exposure.  No one I know ever said, “Let’s go to Minnesota and bare our breasts.” Who knows, maybe I hung out with the wrong crowd. Who am I to judge?

Well, even though I am not a smoker, I will think long and hard on any breast lift unless a plastic surgeon can give me a lifetime warranty on my nipples.  Maybe with a lifetime warranty under my belt or rather bra, I might give a higher bosom a second thought.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books ( As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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3 Responses to Are You Serious? Nipples Can Fall Off?

  1. December 13, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Doesn’t compute, does it? In a couple of days, I’ll send in an article full of sports limericks. In the meantime, I’ll try to send in Maya Angelou’s poem about Blake Griffin’s performance last MLK day. As if Maya Angelou really wrote it.

  2. December 12, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Here you go, Donna, a Silliman limerick:

    “There was once a smoker named Dusty
    Whose new lift made her all busty
    She refused to quit smokin’
    In a fog, she’d be chokin’
    Until her nips fell off… black and rusty”

    • December 12, 2011 at 9:59 pm

      Wow, a talented limerick writer and sports enthusiast. I am so impressed, Stan. So impressed. 🙂

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