Every Dog Deserves a Ball…Or Two | HumorOutcasts

Every Dog Deserves a Ball…Or Two

April 19, 2011
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I will admit that my dogs are spoiled. I have a family room filled with their toys. We have birthday parties for them; they eat sirloin steak from time to time; and their lives, in general, are more relaxed and pampered than mine. However, even my spoiling has limits. There have been a few pet products that have come on the market in recent years that I refuse to buy. I do Visit Jug Dog Website to find things that I might need, but I rarely do that.

I will not buy my dog clothes. Okay, they wear matching bandanas, and for our Christmas card photo, they may sport an appropriate hat, but that is where I draw the line. They do not wear dresses or angora sweaters, and there is no way in hell that I am coughing up money for dog Snuggies so my pooches can be cuddly and warm while watching TV. Isn’t their fur their own built-in Snuggie?

I also refuse to polish their nails or make them wear diamond-studded collars, and last but so NOT least, they do not ride in a stroller. But I do look at a site like www.puppywire.com to see what the best things are for me to do for my dog when it comes to their health and well being. Yes, I make my dogs walk. I know that sounds cold and callous, but my dogs walk next to me on a leash or they run free in the yard. It was only recently that I discovered there were such things as dog strollers. I remember the day I first encountered one. I was in an antique store when a young couple came in pushing a pretty pink stroller. Being a baby lover, I said

“Congratulations. How old is your baby?”

“Six months,” they responded simultaneously. I could hear the pride in their voices. Then the mom lifted the mesh that protected the little one from the sun (her words not mine) to show me her little miracle, and I literally gasped out loud. In the stroller was a freaking dog! At first, I thought this couple just had a really ugly, hairy kid, but then I realized the ugly hairy kid was a Pomeranian.

“You wheel around your dog?” I asked.

“Yes, walking is so hard on her little legs,” the woman said.

“She’s a dog. That’s why she has four legs.”

“But she is such a precious baby!” she countered.

I didn’t say anything further because spittle had started to form around her mouth (the woman’s not the dog’s) and her eyes began to twitch, and well, she started to scare me, so I backed away from those people and left the store hoping that before they decide to produce a human child, they get their mental states checked by some kind of expert.

Soon after the stroller encounter, I discovered that those pet owners were not an oddity. No, many pet owners have jumped on the dog stroller bandwagon. Sometimes, when I have my dogs at the park and a dog stroller family comes bopping along, my own pooches look at me with eyes that say,

“Hey, what the hell is wrong with you? We want wheels too! How come we have to walk?”

I try to explain to my pooches the importance of a good daily cardio workout, but it’s difficult for them to believe me when they see the pretty sparkly canine carriages with the anti-mosquito netting pass by us on the walking paths.

After I accepted the pet stroller’s popularity, I had to wonder what the new next great pet product would be. Well, I wonder no longer. While talking with another pet owner the other day, I learned about Neuticles. What are Neuticles? Well, hold on because your mouth is going to drop open.

Neuticles are testicular implants for dogs that have been neutered.

Yep, if you the owner of a male dog and you are worried about the emotional impact that neutering will have on your dog, you can purchase Neuticles. Ranging in price from $94 for a generic set to $1,799 for a custom-fitted pair, Neuticles are designed to have the look and feel of the real – um, what shall I say here? Package. Yes, package is a good word.

Now, you can get your male dog’s testicles whacked and not feel the guilt of taking away his manhood. Oops, sorry for that imagery. I know how sensitive men are when it comes to any kind of injury afflicting their best friends below the belt. Yes, veterinarians can now make it so Fido can get “fixed” but still have a visible pair to show the world. While not all vets have embraced the use of Neuticles regarding the implant procedure as unnecessary surgery, other vets have taken the ball—so to speak — and run with it, because it might make owners less squeamish about getting their male dog neutered.

I can hear what women are saying. “This is a typical male response to neutering. Go anyway near a man’s boys or his dog’s boys and they fall apart like babies.”

Yes, it’s true that men have a particularly difficult time getting their male dogs neutered. They truly empathize with their dog’s pain, and they project their own fear at losing their packages onto their dogs, but guess what, Ladies? The predominant buyers of Neuticles are women. Who knew women could be so sensitive about that area. I guess that dispels the old adage that size doesn’t matter–well, on a dog anyway.

www.neuticles.com

photo by Rachael McDiarmid

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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5 Responses to Every Dog Deserves a Ball…Or Two

  1. April 19, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    Couldn’t you just strap on a set of truck nuts? This would at least give an ego boost to the owner!

    • April 19, 2011 at 9:35 pm

      Truck nuts? Wouldn’t they be heavy? I mean the poor thing might drag on the ground? HA HA

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    April 19, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    LOL Neuticals! What next breast implants for kitties! Funny story Donna!!

  3. April 19, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Just when I think the world, and people can’t POSSIBLY get any weirder, something like this comes along. I want to say you’re making it up, but sadly, things are bizarre enough out there that testicular implants for dogs can not only exist – but people will line up to buy them and inflict them on their poor, unsuspecting animals. Just shows to go you as long as there are people out there with more money than sense there will always be those happy to offer them pointless and expensive ways to spend it.

    The mind boggles…

    • April 19, 2011 at 2:48 pm

      You are so right, Phoenix! I can’t even imagine what would possess someone to do this to a dog. I can’t even fathom the stroller really, but the fake “package” is too off kilter for me.



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