The continuing saga of Mayor Tom Lund and his trailer park. When we last met the Mayor, he had been convicted of a DUI and sentenced to house arrest
Last week, I had the best Father’s Day. My girlfriend Ginger stopped by. Ginger is an ex-stripper whom I met about a month ago. She said that she had some great news for me. Still being in the dumps over my recent DUI conviction and subsequent house arrest, I said that I could use some good news.
Ginger yelled, “Happy Fathers Day!!”
I said, “WHAT??”
Then Ginger said that she had been to the doctor’s office today, and he informed her that we were going to be the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy in about 5 months.
I YELLED, “Wooooooooooooooo Hoooooooooooooooooo!”
Honestly, I was very excited. You see, all my life the doctors have been telling me that I was sterile. I knew in my heart that those asinine doctors didn’t know crap! They can’t read a road map right let alone test results. I always thought that they were nothing but a bunch of overpaid nurses.
This was such a great day for me, I just feel like screaming to the whole world, “My name is Tom Lund, and I’m a Daddy with vibrant swimming sperm!!” Yes, my sperm are swimming like salmon heading upstream to spawn; I can compete in any of your damned DNA tests!
Ginger and I discussed names for our newborn. We ended up flipping a coin to pick between Tom Jr. or Barack. It seems that my Ginger is a big fan of our African-American president. As a matter a fact she even made a trip to DC to meet him about 4 months ago.
Well, little did Ginger know that I possessed a two-headed coin and Tommy Jr. won out on the first flip!
All my life I always felt left out on father’s day so this is a very special year for me. I wanted to start celebrating NOW! So, I decided to take Ginger out to a fancy restaurant then over to Walmart for a shopping spree to buy some things for the little Tom Jr.
We got almost to my motorcycle when my ankle bracelet began to beep and reality hit me. I can’t leave home after 9:00 pm. Not wanting to disappoint Ginger I handed her my credit card and told her to go into town to buy some stuff for the baby, some fine wine and some steaks for on the grill. And when she returns, I’ll have a candlelight setting ready for our celebration.
Well that was last night. It’s been over 12 hours and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of my sweetheart or my credit card. She’s not answering her cell phone, and I’m confined to the trailer park so I can’t lead a search party after her. I’m getting very concerned for my Ginger. So, I called information to get the number for 911 to report Ginger missing, but the operator said that I couldn’t report a missing person until 24 hours passed. Now I’m not sure if I should be concerned for Ginger or if I should report my Credit Card stolen.