Mid-Life Crisis? Don’t Watch TV!

It seems as though because I am in my forties I am going through an early mid-life crisis. I will admit that I have been going through a mid-life crisis for about the last twenty years ever since the first time a young hot girl called me “sir”. It has all been downhill from there. At the same time, I have noticed that TV and movies don’t really help a mid-life crisis.

I cannot describe my shock and awe that “Saturday Night Fever” was playing on one of the classic movie channels. When did that movie become that old? It made me feel like I grew up when “Gone with the Wind” first premiered. The only thing worse than that is when I come across an old movie that I enjoyed as a child only to realize that almost all of the actors in it are now dead.

I usually channel surf the pay-tv channels. I do not pay too much attention to how a movie is ranked to determine if it is worth staying up to watch. I just go by the warnings at the beginning. If that husky resonant voice comes on and says, “This movie has been rated R; it contains violence, adult language, strong sexual situations, and nudity,” then that is just as good as two thumbs up. However, it would be nice if they described what kind of nudity was in the movie. It is a real waste when I stay up just to catch a glimpse of Mel Gibson’s derriere. A bare bosom advisory would be most helpful. Guys my age have a hard time staying awake and we don’t want to waste time searching out the best programs on late night TV looking for the best nudity for us.

Do you remember when classic rock was so radical that the only places you could find it were the renegade rock-n-roll stations? How did a Robert Plant concert end up on PBS? “Okay boyz, here is da ‘Black Dog’, anda one, anda two…”

At least PBS doesn’t have commercials which can be more disheartening than anything else. “Over 45 and don’t have as much energy as you used to?” I always expect the next line to be, “It may not be just because you are getting a little older; it’s probably because you have always been a loser.”

Nothing puts me in a “better” mood than a Viagra commercial, no wonder they always put bluesy guitar riffs in the background of these ads. They give me the blues. Why not feature “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” in the next Viagra commercial and just get it over with. That would be apropos wouldn’t it? Most of the men in these ads are not that much older than me. It doesn’t seem like it was really that long ago when the most embarrassing thing I would ever have to consider buying at a drug store was a condom. This is kind of off point but doesn’t it seem that using Viagra and condoms together is kind of like priming a pump and then sticking a cork in the nozzle?

Is wearing Old Spice going to make me as endearing as the Old Spice Guy? A young and attractive hostess recently commented that I smelled wonderful and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was Rogaine Foam.

Yes, I know I still have my health but who knows how long that will last. Anything can happen at any moment. When I get up in the morning I take an inventory of my body parts to determine what in the hell hurts.

If any of you have any suggestions regarding how I can cheer myself up let me know. And for goodness sake, don’t tell me to rent “The Bucket List.”