My Correspondence With Brad Pitt | HumorOutcasts

My Correspondence With Brad Pitt

June 29, 2011
This is an R-rated post.


September 23rd, 2008

Dear Brad,

Oh, well good for you, Brad Pitt! You’re sexy, good-looking and you are a pretty incredible actor as it turns out. I bet you think that makes you so much better than me, huh? You probably go to bed saying to yourself “That guy over there is a total douche,” pointing your perfectly manicured finger my direction.

Sure, you probably don’t have a compulsive addiction to carne asada burritos. You also probably don’t habitually masturbate to Saved By the Bell re-runs with Haley Mills (hey, suck my ass. Miss Bliss is hot!). You also probably don’t make little cardboard cut-outs of The Peanuts so you can have friends. But I am better than you Brad Pitt. I got something over on you.

You see Brad, I can burp the alphabet. That’s right, dick. I can burp the goaddamned alphabet. I know you’re thinking anyone can do this. Maybe you’re right. I know though that I am able to burp the alphabet so much better than anyone else, especially you. Tell Angelina that for me. You tell her that you met a guy who can burp the fucking alphabet better than you.

Oh, you don’t believe me? You don’t believe me when I tell you that I can burp the alphabet better than you? Well guess what, bitch? I’m challenging you here and now to a Burping The Alphabet contest. Next Tuesday, Big Guy.

Until Then,



September 30th, 2008

Dear Brad,

Goddamn it. You win.

Your Willing Servant,





James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, musician, bumblebee. You can find James' collective works spread like seed into the Internet. Specifically you can find him on Yahoo! TV, Yahoo! Sports, Associated Content, Into the Garbage Chute, Kneel Before POD and The JamboPlex.

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One Response to My Correspondence With Brad Pitt

  1. lbwoodgate
    June 30, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Yeah, but can you hand-fart the National Anthem?

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