It seems that doomsday prognosticator, Harold Camping, is wrong again. This time, the Day of the Rapture came and went without the news coverage and fanfare that surrounded the last mistaken day of the Rapture six months ago. It was supposed to take place on a Thursday in October during prime Halloween season and there was not one spooky party to commemorate its arrival. There wasn’t even a billboard on I-95 urging people to repent. No, the day of the rapture came and went and no one even noticed. So disappointing.
So, what is Camping, going to do now? No one has seen or heard from him. Maybe he was just raptured by himself – God’s way of saying, “yeah, he annoys the hell out of me too. I will come and get him and as a bonus – the Westboro Baptist people too.”
But just in case God didn’t want him either, I thought maybe Camping could take some time to work on his prediction skills – hey, the job market is tough, and a few “I can read your future” moments might score him some needed cash. However, in order to re-gain some credibility with people beyond his flock, I think it might be best if Camping skipped the end-of-the-world prophecies and predicted something on a smaller scale. Now remember, these are not psychic predictions as those predicitons might be construed as the devil’s work. These would be predictions that God tells Camping directly.
The Denver Broncos Win the Super Bowl: Don’t laugh at this; Who else would God want to be champion of the whole world. Tim Tebow is every evangelist’s darling so you know every church from Florida to Denver is doing their praying best to make Tebow the QB of the next Super Bowl team. Hey, loud praying got him the starting QB spot, so why not the Lombardi Trophy? Oh, and by the way, wearing scriptures on your eye black will be allowed again. I have one question? Does Vegas cover the action on religious predictions?
The Pope Ordains the First Woman Priest in 2012: Okay, this is when you know the world is really ending because no Pope will hand the keys to the Pope mobile over to anyone lacking a penis. So, if the Pope is ordaining females, the world is ending, and this would work nicely with Camping’s own doomsday beliefs as well as the Mayan calendar stuff. This could prove to be a kill-two-birds-with-one-stone moment.
Amazon.com Destroys Bookstores: This is an easy prediction to make. Let’s face it unless a bookstore has coffee, pastries, Wi-Fi and an apparel and toy section, they are not going to make a profit. If I were Camping, I would predict the bookstore demise by the year 2015. I don’t think it will go much longer than this.
American Idol Goes Off the Air: But not too worry, it will be replaced by an identical twin show on Fox called the X-Factor so no one will even notice. Oh, wait, cheap prediction. This one is halfway there.
I have sent these predictions off to Camping and I am waiting for a response. Who knows? He might hire me to write all his predictions for the future. Of course, I will want my money upfront. It would be just my luck he gets raptured before he gets a chance to pay his bills.