The daily crime blotter report in today’s Denton Record-Chronicle has an incident that suggests a mad prankster may be loose in the community.
It was reported that a man shopping at a Lowe’s Home Improvement store in Denton “had paid for his items and then walked into a shed. Someone hit him in the back of the head, he said. He lost consciousness. He awoke with a lump on the back of his head, scrapes on his knees and his pants pulled down to his ankles. He was covered in ketchup, he said. In the shed, the investigating officer found a pool of ketchup and a note reading ‘die yuppie scum’ and ‘wose next’ in letters cut from magazines.” See the full report here. You can’t make this stuff up.
Now it is fortunate that the man was not severely injured nor do I want to make light of the mentally disturbed individual who assaulted him, but … since this is not any ordinary assault case there is some levity that can be found here. I haven’t ruled out that he was a victim of someone promoting the video game “Revenge of the Ketchup” but there are other possibilities to consider here too.
Apparently the man has been punked, but for what? Is it possible that we are dealing with a eco-terrorists who is reluctant to see one more storage building go up that will not only cover an 8×10 area of nature’s mat but will more than likely store petroleum based products and chemicals that damage the environment. The ketchup he was found sauced in could represent an opposition to wasting good produce to make processed food.
The other possibility is that the assailant is a Tea Party loon, which we have an abundance of here in red state of Texas. His attack on what he considered to be an SUV driving, latte drinking, tree hugging “yuppie” would indicate the potential for this, not to mention the misspelling of the word “whose” in the note that warned “wose next”, unless of course it’s in reference to someone named wose. A quick check in the area phone directory found no surname of Wose however.
Lastly, the fact that his pants were “pulled down to his ankles” might indicate a former acquaintance who was humiliated by the man at one time and was intent on getting revenge. Perhaps having been the recipient of a practical joke in their high school or college days, the assailant wanted some semblance of justice for being wedgied, drugged and hoisted up the school flag pole.
My deduction therefore concludes that it was an environmentalist extremist who drives a Ford Fusion hybrid, votes Libertarian and was unpopular in school. I realize the combination of an environmentalist Libertarian appears to be an oxymoron but this crime may be evidence that there are a few out there, no?
I’m not sure Richard would have driven the 30 miles to Denton to shop Lowe’s from where he lives but I can see the possibility here.
Come on tell the truth, L.B., did this happen to Richard Spall? although libertarian is not exactly the word I would use to describe him. But it could have been just someone upset he stole their ketchup.
Yeah, because I often pay for my stuff and then wander into a shed for no apparent reason. Sounds like the kind of story where they find out later that the guy is lying.
That thought struck my mind too. He might have been engaged is some weird kinky sex act, like strangulation masturbation and passes out in the shed where he crushes all the packets of ketchup in his hip pocket he had from a previous lunch at Jack in the Box.
LB, you really put a lot of thought into this. I am impressed. Damn, I thought Richard was still away when I wrote the comment so I didn’t think he was around to defend himself. Oh well!
I think that’s exactly what happened LB. But then again I’m facinated by shiny objects and Jack in the Box plastic cups. 😉