Does anyone else out there despise those stick figure families people plaster on the back windows of their SUVs and minivans?
It’s like “Look at us! We have four kids! They play soccer and violin! One has glasses! And we have a baby with a cute curl, two dogs, a cat and even a fish! Aren’t we fertile and all-American and totally awesome!”
I always picture a childless, hormonal woman en route from taking injections in her ass at a fertility clinic pulling up behind this brag-wagon at a red light — mustering every ounce of restraint she can not to full-on gun it.
What I really want to see are unabashedly honest versions of these off-putting, distracting decals. For example, on the back of my van, the mother would be holding a bottle of Grey Goose in one crudely drawn hand and Lexapro in the other; the dad bleeding dollar signs and grumbling obscenities from an easy chair; the oldest son hopped up on ADHD meds; the middle girl holding her ears and screaming; the youngest boy – on the other side of the window to symbolize neglect – clutching X-Box controllers.
As for pets, there would be tiny, dancing head lice.
The possibilities for these candid cartoons are as abundant as the plights real families face: Mom thinking about having an affair! Dad coming out of the closet! Judgmental grandma in the spare room! Dream house in foreclosure! Sullen, anorexic teen! (Stick figure finally making some sense.).
And if you really wanted to rock it, you could even change your design depending on the day, for example: “Don’t mess with me, I’m on the rag!” … “Bring it on, I’m feeling frisky!” … “I just had bunion surgery!” … “I ate a waffle for breakfast!” …“I’m driving a car!”
Twitter stickers, so to speak.
My point being: If we must adhere these annoying doppelgangers, can we at least be truthful – instead of making those of us in less-than-perfect family scenarios feel bad?
I swear, I’m actually pining for the days when the worst out there was a suction cup Garfield or the obnoxious grandfather of the stick figure families — Baby on Board!
Give me one of those lovable half-wits who lines up old Beanie Babies in the back window of her Pinto any day.
Her, I get.