Taking Down the Superbug | HumorOutcasts

Taking Down the Superbug

June 7, 2011

More powerful than most viruses; able to ward off antibiotics in massive doses, faster spreading than Mono in a room filled with  horny teenagers: It’s a germ; it’s a bacteria; it’s a Superbug!  Yes, here we go again. Researchers have discovered yet another superbug that is a rare strain of the methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus arueus or MRSA. This superbug was found in some milk samples in the United Kingdom. Now, before anyone panics, scientists say that this new bacteria poses little threat to people who drink milk or eat dairy products, since pasteurization and digestion kill bacteria, including MRSA.

However, scientists are stumped as to the origins and strength of this new strain. I think science needs to take a new approach to these superbugs.  I think they should stop looking at them from a research point of view and start looking at them from a criminal point of view.  Here is my plan:

Call in the cops of CSI or the FBI or maybe enact a new crime division, the SBI– the Superbug Investigations unit.  I think the unit’s primary mission should be to round up the “normal” well-known non-superbugs and bring them in for questioning and get them to turn against the all-powerful new superbug. I’m not talking torture with rubber hoses here, but maybe a small dose of antibiotics just to loosen their tongues. Then the SBI can play on the non-superbugs’ resentment that the new bacteria is getting all the press and attention.  The once-but-no-longer-antibiotic-resistant bugs will look at this investigation as a way to take down the new superbug whose ego has now become too big for its own Petri dish. The non-superbugs might give scientists a glimpse into the mind and power of the new superbug that has both the human species and the bacteria world shaking in their boots.

Okay, I know this criminal investigation scenario is impossible, but what are our alternatives? Every six months, science informs us that another superbug has arrived on the scene.  The new strain brings with it a paralyzing fear that stops us from eating certain foods, visiting certain places or embracing other human beings. We have become a world that lives for antiseptic soap and lotion rather than the comfort of another’s touch.  Something has got to give. If we don’t figure out the world of superbugs, the next fashion craze will be hazmat suits in a variety of colors.

I think our problem started with the idea that our immune systems cannot function on their own. Sure, there are times when we need a little help getting over a sinus or respiratory infection, but we have become antibiotic whores looking for the quickest trick to get well again.  Now, we are paying the price with superbugs that stand up and laugh at our efforts to control them.

I wonder what would happen if we put our antibacterial lotion dispensers away. Now, I am not saying the health profession should not use them, but maybe we shouldn’t have them everywhere. We need to get our immune systems back to exercising each day. They have shrunk as our bodies have gotten bigger. Maybe if we get them working again, our immune systems might feel like doing their jobs; they might want to become superheroes in the fight against the villainous superbugs.

So, does this sound like a good idea to you?  Well, don’t get too excited. I have absolutely no scientific credentials that would make anything I say plausible.  All I have going for me are a few medical shows on the Discovery Channel and some Wikipedia articles.  So, I may not know much, but what I do know is that we have to find the superbugs’ kryptonite because if we don’t, the sales associate at Macy’s might be saying to you, “That blue hazmat suit goes great with your eyes.”


photo by UVM.edu

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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9 Responses to Taking Down the Superbug

  1. Deb Martin-Webster
    June 7, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    I live on a farm. I’ve dropped my coffee mug in cow poop, picked it up and kept drinking the coffee. It slipped out of my hand while hollering at mooing cows at 5am!! LOL

    • June 7, 2011 at 9:33 pm

      We should make you the poster child for “eating dirt and poop is healthy for you.”

  2. June 7, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Hey, I don’t know about you but when we were kids we ate dirt and grass, fondled earthworms and gartersnakes and then tucked into our lunch without washing our hands, ate brown snow without fear, rolled around in dog poop, and drank with impunity from the neighbourhood creek. None of it ever killed me. Obviously. Not only that I’m probably the healthiest person I know.

    When we were kids antibiotics were wonder drugs the doctor resorted to only after you’d hacked up a lung or two and rest, children’s aspirin and mom’s chicken soup hadn’t done the job. You knew you were REALLY SICK when you had to take actual medicine with a long name you could barely pronounce you had to get from the pharmacist. Hell, we didn’t even GO to the doctor, he made house calls. And then only if you were like, dying.

    How the times they have changed. And definitely not for the better.

    • June 7, 2011 at 6:49 pm

      I know Phee, I agree with everything you said. I guess there is more environmental damage around us, but for the most part the human body is made to cure itself. Sometimes, it needs help, but I think we over-helped it.

    • Jack Sass
      June 7, 2011 at 7:04 pm

      I think she’s onto it!

  3. June 7, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Discovery Channel and Wikipedia sound like a good start. Many are armed with just a 2000+-year-old dusty book that says we should stone people who work on Sunday.

    • June 7, 2011 at 6:50 pm

      Hey, don’t make fun of my two favorite sources for information! We all know how 100 percent accurate both are.

    June 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    I for one think the superbugs need to be hit with a one-two punch! Unfortunately I don’t know what that would be! Donna, I can just see you swinging at them now! I think maybe that’s why I became a certified herbalist. I have some of the answers but not all of them. I don’t think I’d look good in a hazmat suit. It just wouldn’t do anything for me. To top it off my favorite color is pink and I’d want my suit to be pink. I just can’t see it! It is not a pleasant thought! For one thing I’m short so a big, pink hazmat suit just will not work! Just the thought makes me cringe.

    • June 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      Don’t fret about the pink suit. I hear they will bring out magentas and chartreuse ones too! 🙂

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