For those of you faithful to the belief that you are a member of the one true religion and have done your fair share of berating Muslims, gays and frightened, naive girls at abortion clinics, your day is finally here. That’s right! The Rapture is upon us according to Harold Camping, the 89-year-old leader of the ministry Family Radio Worldwide, so it’s time to put on your party dress on and raise your voices.
According to Camping, this Saturday, May 21st is the date he has divined from the bible that Jesus will be descending from the sky to load up all the “saved” and join him in the streets of gold with the old man himself, Yahweh. Never mind that people like Camping have failed miserably before about predicting Doomsday, the need to party needs no justification for most of us. If Camping’s right it won’t matter to the heathens anyway, and if he’s wrong there will only be one helluva hangover to deal with.
Hades, the place many will presumably go to after May 21st, is such a downer that finding one last reason to strip and dance on the dining room table should be a no-brainer for most of us. No need for helium balloons are party favors like horns. Angels will bring the latter and those lucky people floating heavenward will take care of the rest.
There are christian nay-sayers out there that dispute Campings claims like Pastor Joseph Fuiten with Cedar Park Assembly of God Church in Bothell, Wash., who says people like Camping “have overlooked the obvious words of Jesus: ‘You do not know the day or the hour’ of such events.” But even though the odds are equal to someone winning the lottery, there are those who eventually guess the right numbers.
And here’s a bonus – IF Camping’s prediction is wrong, within a few months we can do it again in anticipation of the ancient Mayan calendar prediction that also sees the end of civilization as we know in mid-December this year.
So, worried about your debts and whether you’re going to get that promotion or not? Now you have the perfect excuse to tell everyone to suck it while you moon them to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Beat It!”
Don’t let the atheist have all the fun. Plan your party now before the fiery halls of hell consume this last opportunity to let it all hang out.