Plaid Robes, Bunny Slippers, and Marshmallow Fluff | HumorOutcasts

Plaid Robes, Bunny Slippers, and Marshmallow Fluff

May 19, 2011
By
Supermarket Shopping After Midnight

Supermarket Shopping After Midnight

Have you ever craved something bizarre like a marshmallow fluff, banana, chocolate chip sandwich and you are out of marshmallow fluff?   

 Its 12:37 a.m. Saturday morning, it’s raining and you’ve left your only working umbrella at work. Your laundry is in the washer and the only clean clothes you have are your pajamas and a robe. But the craving for this delectable sandwich compels you;  it teases you with the promise of multi-flavored delights literally sandwiched between two pieces of toasted wholesome oatmeal bread. You give in. You grab a piece of newspaper, slip on your bunny slippers and take the freight elevator to the underground apartment complex garage. The need to buy your marshmallow fluff outweighs your fear of being seen in your worn out slippers, pajamas and tatty robe.

 You think, “Who’s in the supermarket this time of the night, or would it be day? Who cares you must have your fluff.

You drive to your favorite twenty-four hour supermarket and notice a few cars in the parking lot. You spy a spot near the door and park. Safely tented under your make shift newspaper umbrella you run to the door and grab a basket. You realize you’re out of milk. You head to the dairy section and notice all of the cartons are being taken off the self and being replaced with new milk. You wait patiently. What’s a sandwich without a cold glass of milk? You grab one off the stock clerk’s cart while he’s not looking causing him lose his count. Sheepishly you continue to the next aisle.

 The horrendous overhead glare of the iridescent lights look so much brighter at night – not very flattering on your well scrubbed, over moisturized face. You walk along the outer aisles to gauge who else is shopping. You notice there are others shopping in their pajamas and slippers. It’s odd how you’ve never noticed that some people enjoy shopping after midnight and that you have sadly become a participant in this strange and unusual sub-culture. Old guys wearing plaid robes, rotund women in cut off purple sweat pants wearing pink boas under yellow rain slickers.

You spot an über sweaty guy by the fresh produce wearing a plastic bag skirt sniffing and stroking his zucchini. Another is reading the ingredients on a bottle of vitamin water as if it were War and Peace.  A middle aged woman wearing green eye shadow and a straw cowboy hat has 5 cases of cat food and jumbo pack of Brillo pads in her shopping cart. Some creepy guy is talking to himself about tofu.  You later relize he’s wearing a Blue Tooth. Nonetheless, you still think it’s creepy to want tofu at anytime of the day. It’s like freaks on parade and you are a fellow freak wearing bunny slippers. Why else would you go out in the middle of a rainy night for marshmallow fluff!

 You begin to feel anxious. You think, “Am I that desperate that my urge for this sandwich made me a willing participant in this midnight Creepfest? Or was this behavior something deeper?

Oh look . . . dented can sale, 12 for $1.00!  Most were missing labels. You continue down the condiment aisle and find a two gallon container of mustard for $5.00. One can never have enough mustard – you digress and continue walking. Finally you see the peanut butter and jelly. The fluff wouldn’t be far away. MARSHMALLOW FLUFF on sale! Your mouth begins to water with anticipation. Do you buy one or stock up. Will it be on sale next week? You grab four jars and head toward the ten or less aisle. You came, you saw, you kicked marshmallow ass!

At the check-out line you notice a skinny pimpled face kid at the register trying to scan creepy guy’s tofu. Creepy guy is getting frustrated and grabs the tofu from the skinny pimpled face kid and tries to scan it. Skinny pimpled faced kid starts yelling at creepy guy. That’s when creepy guy throws the tofu at skinny pimpled face kid and walks out in a huff. Skinny pimpled face kid gets on the store intercom and announces, “Eh, clean up on register 6, some creepy guy just threw three pounds of tofu shit at me!” Skinny pimpled face kid motioned for me to come to register 4. You try to be sympathetic saying it wasn’t very polite to throw tofu. He agreed. He scans your marshmallow fluff.

 “Fluff is on sale this week, you scored nice lady!  Sweet deal!”

 You smile and think, “Aw, nice lady he called me nice lady, not creepy old desperate lady who came out in her pajamas and bunny slippers just for fluff.”

 He even volunteers to walk you to your car. He offered you his umbrella, what a nice kid.  You make small talk and find out that his name is Wally and he goes to the local community college.  He’s working extra night shifts to buy a car. You tip him five bucks for the umbrella and helping you to your car.

 He said, “There are a lot of weirdoes that shop after midnight; it’s nice to see a normal person every once in a while.”

The fact that he didn’t lump you into the creepy midnight shopper sub-culture was heartwarming.  As you get to the car you notice creepy tofu guy pounding on the roof of his car.  He has a flat tire.

Wally snickered, “Yeah . . . Karma dude.   Karma is a real bitch!  You thank Wally again and wave goodbye.  You see angry creepy tofu guy waiting for the bus and drive through the large puddle soaking him to the bone.  You smirk, “That’s  from my friend Wally you asshole!”

Driving home you realize that the world is full of creepy angry tofu guys.  However, all it takes is one Wally and a few jars of marshmallow fluff to restore your faith in humanity and of course a midnight marshmallow fluff, banana, chocolate chip sandwich.

Deb Martin-Webster

After a successful career in Art Administration, at Temple University/Tyler School of Art, Deb has taken on a new challenging career as an aspiring writer. Author of short story A Hot Dog Stand in the Himalayas Deb has written her first novel published by HumorOutcasts Press titled, Love, Montana. A quick read crossing the genres of contemporary western romance and travel adventure with lots of witty humor thrown in the mix. Also check out Deb's popular HO series Friday Humor Devotional. It's prayer with an attitude.

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19 Responses to Plaid Robes, Bunny Slippers, and Marshmallow Fluff

  1. September 30, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Impressive post, I adore Marshmallow Fluff myself.

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      September 30, 2011 at 6:36 pm

      Why thank you Yummy, marshmallow fluff is one of the most overlooked treats found in the jam and jelly section. It’s a real score to find it on sale! Thanks for the comment!

  2. Peter Webster
    September 24, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    It is real sad what some people will do for a bit of fluff or more often as not, in this house, I’m informed by her indoors I need a bloody lemon for this recipe. So off I drive at 2am to get a bloody lemon. Always and I mean ALWAYS take your cell phone. That lemon soon turns into a full cart. You get home soaking wet to find the wife fast asleep on the sofa!

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      September 30, 2011 at 6:40 pm

      Pete you neglected to say that you are among the sub-culture midnight shoppers who craves spotted dick and custard. 😉

  3. Theresa Wiza
    September 12, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Loved the “subculture” comment. It cracked me up. Don’t hate me for saying this, but I’m not a fan of fluff. HOWEVER, I do like to put those huge marshmallows on a fork and twirl them over the burner until the outsides are nicely browned. Also, I could never go out at night – I hate the feeling of tags, so I wear all my pjs inside out.

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      September 24, 2011 at 6:38 pm

      HAHAHA! Theresa fluff is an aquired taste just like eating paste or chewing on rubberbands. I would be proud to shop with you at night. You would fit right in especially wearing your pj’s inside out!! 😉

  4. Mary Oberg
    May 20, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    I had to go out when pregnant (with Maria) many years ago for a grocery shopping item-ice cream of course! Mike actually went to the store with me. Thank goodnes no one noticed a 25 year old who was eight month pregnant at 100am in the grocery store in a robe and flip-flops.

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      May 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

      Mary I totally understand!! I went out at 11pm when I was pregnant with my daughter for chips and strawberry ice cream in a long shirt that was inside out, maternity shorts and my husbands bedroom slippers. Little did I know I was in the sub-culture parade of freaks!!

  5. May 20, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    I may have seen you (elsewhere) on the internet.

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      May 20, 2011 at 1:23 pm

      Shhhh, there may be a photo floating around of me late night shopping at the 24 hour Auto Zone. You never know when you’ll need a bottle of 10 W30 . . . 🙂

  6. May 20, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Deb, I see that we already have something in common. I love Fluff and always have a jar or two here. In fact, (shhhhh- don’t tell anyone) I have been known to eat it right out of the jar. But of course, I like it with PB & J too. You’re never too old to eat like a kid.

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      May 20, 2011 at 1:20 pm

      Ah, Matty there is nothing better than a big finger full of fluff straight out of the jar! Welcome to the site and thanks for the read!! 😉

  7. Deb Martin-Webster
    May 20, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Thanks for the read Jack!

  8. May 19, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Deb, I am going to tell you this from the bottom of my heart: Next time, you feel the need for marshmallow fluff in the middle of the night, I will drive. I would go out just as you did for the stuff. I also think if we meet Tofu guy, we run like hell. He is obviously up to no good.

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      May 20, 2011 at 7:45 am

      And I’ll ride shotgun. The marshmallow fluff compels you! As for creepy Tofu guy, LB now knows the short cut and he said he’d leave his Blue Tooth in the car. 😉

  9. lbwoodgate
    May 19, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    A creepy guy is talking to someone else on the phone about TOFU … at 1:00 am?? ( I allowed for driving time). Are you sure it wasn’t one of those sex lines and he was trying to convince the listener how best to prep for kinky sex?

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      May 20, 2011 at 7:38 am

      Yup! That’s what creepy Tofu sweaty guy was babbling about, eh, or maybe it was how to use it as a sex aid? To you remember which on it was LB?

      P.s. If you cut through the Tastee Freeze parking lot it will cut your drive time in half, LOL!

  10. Jack Sass
    May 19, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Beautifully put Deb!

    • Deb Martin-Webster
      May 20, 2011 at 7:40 am

      Thanks for the read Jack! 🙂



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