Have you ever craved something bizarre like a marshmallow fluff, banana, chocolate chip sandwich and you are out of marshmallow fluff?
Its 12:37 a.m. Saturday morning, it’s raining and you’ve left your only working umbrella at work. Your laundry is in the washer and the only clean clothes you have are your pajamas and a robe. But the craving for this delectable sandwich compels you; it teases you with the promise of multi-flavored delights literally sandwiched between two pieces of toasted wholesome oatmeal bread. You give in. You grab a piece of newspaper, slip on your bunny slippers and take the freight elevator to the underground apartment complex garage. The need to buy your marshmallow fluff outweighs your fear of being seen in your worn out slippers, pajamas and tatty robe.
You think, “Who’s in the supermarket this time of the night, or would it be day? Who cares you must have your fluff.
You drive to your favorite twenty-four hour supermarket and notice a few cars in the parking lot. You spy a spot near the door and park. Safely tented under your make shift newspaper umbrella you run to the door and grab a basket. You realize you’re out of milk. You head to the dairy section and notice all of the cartons are being taken off the self and being replaced with new milk. You wait patiently. What’s a sandwich without a cold glass of milk? You grab one off the stock clerk’s cart while he’s not looking causing him lose his count. Sheepishly you continue to the next aisle.
The horrendous overhead glare of the iridescent lights look so much brighter at night – not very flattering on your well scrubbed, over moisturized face. You walk along the outer aisles to gauge who else is shopping. You notice there are others shopping in their pajamas and slippers. It’s odd how you’ve never noticed that some people enjoy shopping after midnight and that you have sadly become a participant in this strange and unusual sub-culture. Old guys wearing plaid robes, rotund women in cut off purple sweat pants wearing pink boas under yellow rain slickers.
You spot an über sweaty guy by the fresh produce wearing a plastic bag skirt sniffing and stroking his zucchini. Another is reading the ingredients on a bottle of vitamin water as if it were War and Peace. A middle aged woman wearing green eye shadow and a straw cowboy hat has 5 cases of cat food and jumbo pack of Brillo pads in her shopping cart. Some creepy guy is talking to himself about tofu. You later relize he’s wearing a Blue Tooth. Nonetheless, you still think it’s creepy to want tofu at anytime of the day. It’s like freaks on parade and you are a fellow freak wearing bunny slippers. Why else would you go out in the middle of a rainy night for marshmallow fluff!
You begin to feel anxious. You think, “Am I that desperate that my urge for this sandwich made me a willing participant in this midnight Creepfest? Or was this behavior something deeper?
Oh look . . . dented can sale, 12 for $1.00! Most were missing labels. You continue down the condiment aisle and find a two gallon container of mustard for $5.00. One can never have enough mustard – you digress and continue walking. Finally you see the peanut butter and jelly. The fluff wouldn’t be far away. MARSHMALLOW FLUFF on sale! Your mouth begins to water with anticipation. Do you buy one or stock up. Will it be on sale next week? You grab four jars and head toward the ten or less aisle. You came, you saw, you kicked marshmallow ass!
At the check-out line you notice a skinny pimpled face kid at the register trying to scan creepy guy’s tofu. Creepy guy is getting frustrated and grabs the tofu from the skinny pimpled face kid and tries to scan it. Skinny pimpled faced kid starts yelling at creepy guy. That’s when creepy guy throws the tofu at skinny pimpled face kid and walks out in a huff. Skinny pimpled face kid gets on the store intercom and announces, “Eh, clean up on register 6, some creepy guy just threw three pounds of tofu shit at me!” Skinny pimpled face kid motioned for me to come to register 4. You try to be sympathetic saying it wasn’t very polite to throw tofu. He agreed. He scans your marshmallow fluff.
“Fluff is on sale this week, you scored nice lady! Sweet deal!”
You smile and think, “Aw, nice lady he called me nice lady, not creepy old desperate lady who came out in her pajamas and bunny slippers just for fluff.”
He even volunteers to walk you to your car. He offered you his umbrella, what a nice kid. You make small talk and find out that his name is Wally and he goes to the local community college. He’s working extra night shifts to buy a car. You tip him five bucks for the umbrella and helping you to your car.
He said, “There are a lot of weirdoes that shop after midnight; it’s nice to see a normal person every once in a while.”
The fact that he didn’t lump you into the creepy midnight shopper sub-culture was heartwarming. As you get to the car you notice creepy tofu guy pounding on the roof of his car. He has a flat tire.
Wally snickered, “Yeah . . . Karma dude. Karma is a real bitch! You thank Wally again and wave goodbye. You see angry creepy tofu guy waiting for the bus and drive through the large puddle soaking him to the bone. You smirk, “That’s from my friend Wally you asshole!”
Driving home you realize that the world is full of creepy angry tofu guys. However, all it takes is one Wally and a few jars of marshmallow fluff to restore your faith in humanity and of course a midnight marshmallow fluff, banana, chocolate chip sandwich.