“This is going to be awesome Baxter,” shouted Doc from the passenger side of the 1957 black and silver hearse. They had won an all-expense-paid Las Vegas Vampire Vacation in a promotional contest called, Ghoul’s Rule Halloween – sponsored by their local radio station WBLD. The only stipulation, they had to trick-or-treat with God.
So God, a two headed werewolf named Baxter, and a do-good demon named Doc headed to Vegas. What’s the name of the hotel Baxter? For the 50th time Doc it’s the Hallowday Resort Hotel and Casino. It’s the biggest one on the strip. We can’t miss it!
They drove up to the door and handed over the hearse keys to the valet who held out his hand expecting a tip. Doc told him here a tip . . . don’t bet on the four horse. Baxter said, “Okay God it’s your turn to fork over some cash.” A twenty dollar bill mysteriously flowed into the valet’s hand. Inside they were greeted again by a spindly, skeleton-like guest relations representative. Welcome to Vegas! You must be our contest winners. My name is Skip Phatts and I’ll be your contact during your stay. At the moment your room isn’t ready, however, I invite you to enjoy yourself at the bar. Of course all drinks are free. God thanked him and parted the waves of casino guests so they had a clear path to the bar. Baxter whispered to Doc, “Do you see the irony in that dudes name – Skip Phatts. The dude could double as a medical display for malnutrition. He showed them to the bar where they waited until their room became available. They ordered two dirty zombies with Beefeater. A few minutes later a handicapped vampire pulled up a stool and sat beside Doc. He ordered a Bloody Mary, hold the Mary. Doc asked Baxter if he wanted another drink. He passed on the drink and went outside for a smoke. The handicapped vampire started a conversation with Doc.
Doc ordered two shots of 50-year old whiskey and and proceeded to the blackjack table. He asked the vampire if he wanted one, when he stopped to admire a beautiful buxom red headed woman. She looked very familiar but walked by him without a glance. Doc nudged his new handicapped vampire buddy named Buddy and pointed at the red headed beauty. Buddy literally dropped his jaw. He was a vampire who had a debilitating condition; he wore dentures, false fangs. Doc commented on his lack of oral hygiene. Buddy grumbled, “Hell, if you didn’t brush your teeth after every meal for 300 years you’d have bad teeth too!” Doc nudged Buddy again, “HEY, did you see that lovely desert flower with the ruby flowing hair, such a creature of beauty.” “NO, I didn’t Doc and do you want to know why . . . I was watching myself lose money at the blackjack table! I swear you are the worst gambler I’ve ever met! Keep your eyes on the cards and off that red head with big boo . . . did you hear that Doc?” Hear what? All I can hear is you moaning about the money you lost. No listen, that moaning sounds like something groaning or howling?
Buddy and Doc left the dealer a 50 dollar tip and headed to the elevators by the front door. Look at that moon Doc ain’t it pretty. Nothing like a full moon on Halloween night! Yes it is beautiful, however that lovely lady is much prettier and I would have gotten to meet her if you’d quit bitching. And for demon’s sake put your false fangs back in your 300-year old rotten mouth! You look like a dead fish! Smell like one too. Aw shut up Doc! You’re just mad because that woman gave you the stink eye. Women like her don’t give guys like us a second look. We’re nothing but shaved and bathed apes to her. Speak for your self Buddy. I am a do-good demon with charm and class. Anyway, I think she headed toward the pool. Let’s swing by and see if she’s there.
The elevator opened and casino trick-or-treaters filed out dressed as witches, princesses, ghosts and an assortment of creepy creatures. Most were just drunks trying to get laid. They stepped inside and pressed the down button. When the doors opened they noticed a sign for the pool. Doc saw his red haired woman sitting by the pool café reading an e-book with sunglasses on. Odd, who wears sunglasses at night? A group of guys dressed as apes and bananas gathered around her – each vying for her attention. She politely smiled then went back to her e-novel. Did you see that Doc! See what Buddy? The way her skin changed color when she smiled! I tell you it was like puke green. You’re losing it dude. All I see is a good looking red head to which I’m about to introduce myself. Doc walked over to the woman who immediately stopped reading and stood up. Look, I just want to relax, no photos, no autographs, no interview, please! Buddy grabbed Doc by the arm. Lets just leave okay she obviously doesn’t want to be bothered. Doc tried to be casual by asking her what she was reading. It’s a book called, A Hot Dog Stand in the Himalayas. It’s pretty good! I really like . . . hey, stop changing the subject. For the 50th time leave me alone! Buddy grabbed Doc’s arm again and said,”Lets get out of here I got a bad feeling.” I’m not leaving until I get her name and num . . . she had vanished. Where’d she go? Any clues God? Mysteriously, a trail of candy corn appeared leading back into the casino. A voice said to follow the corn. So they did. They saw Baxter the two-headed werewolf by the hotel door. Hey are you dudes looking for that red head because I just saw her leave the hotel in a devil-red corvette. Did you get the tag Baxter? Yeah, I remember it because it was unique, RIP1031.
They grabbed the keys to the hearse from the valet and took off after the red head. After a half hour they realized they were lost. Buddy noticed a light at the end of the road. Looks like a double-wide and it’s decorated for Halloween. Someone’s must be giving out candy lets see if they can help us. Doc knocked on the door. The red head answered. Doc smiled, “Well, hello again, we were looking for you and here you are. What a co-inky-dink!” Okay, you found me. I did try to warn you but . . . oh well come in. Buddy headed straight to the bowl of candy. Baxter noticed the house has no windows on the inside but when he stepped outside he could see in? Doc was too mesmerized by the red head to notice. She offered them some punch that looked like blood. I hope you have something stronger to mix with it. Oh you will feel the effects quickly it’s a very old family recipe. She handed them each a glass. They toasted Halloween and drank it in one shot. A few minutes passed. They began to feel strange. Buddy rubbed his head. “Uh oh Doc, I think we should leave, I don’t feel too good.” He and Baxter dropped to the floor. The woman said,”How about you Doc, I’m sure a do-good demon can handle my blood punch.” Why I never felt better in my life. I’m just a little diz . . . and collapsed in her arms.
About a hour later the door bell rang. The woman answered the door and welcomed her friends. Ghosts, demons, werewolves and zombies showed up for her invitation only Ghouls Rule Halloween Celebration. After mingling and feasting on her unique hors d’oeuvre made in the shape of body parts the doorbell rang again. This time it was the local children trick-or-treating. She smiled. One kid said, “Cool makeup lady when you smiled it turned puke green, awesome!” She reached into the bowl and grabbed a hand full of assorted candies shaped like a two-headed werewolf, a fangless vampire and a red hot do-good demon. Before she closed the door she cackled, “And be careful you don’t want to be eaten by werewolves, vampires and demons or maybe you should just eat THEM instead, Happy Halloween!
Oh, and by the way this is my 50th contribution to HumorOutcasts!