So, you’ve been handed your pink slip, however, the boss expects you to work until the end of the day.   Here is a list of clever one-liners guaranteed to make your departure memorable.  For your convenience  I’ve  listed them in order of career:

Administration: And your crybaby, whiny ass, sniveling opinion on this project would be . . . ?    Or, I have plenty of vision; I just don’t give a shit!

Bankers: You say, “Thank you for your deposit today.  You’ve made my retirement bonus that much sweeter.”   Smile while stuffing  the money in your pockets.

Customer Service: Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.  If I throw a stick . . . will you leave?

Drivers, Bus, Taxi, Truck, Limo: Place a white cane on your dashboard and wear sunglasses while driving down the interstate.  Have a seeing eye dog sitting in the passenger’s seat.

Engineering: I don’t work here, I’m a consultant.   Or, if you turn the blue prints this way they actually look like you kissing my ass.

Hospitality/Resorts: As your guest leave smile and say, “Thank you for your visit!  We appreciate you picking our fine establishment to humiliate yourself, bah-bye!”

Housekeeping: It’s a thankless job.  But I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off as you continue wiping the toilet seats with super glue.

Law Enforcement: Unlock all the jail cells and scream, “Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is done!”

Lawyers: Your Honor, I’m not saying my client committed the crime, I’m just saying  he LOOKS  like a guilty asshole.

Mechanics: Turn to your boss and say, “Your car is ready to go . . . I put all the extra pieces of motor in your trunk.  And what the heck is a lug nut anyway?

Medical Profession, Doctors, and Nurses:  Good morning Mister Smith, I hope you are feeling better today.  Your symptoms no longer resemble the Bubonic Plague!  Or, “The bad news is we had to remove your sphincter, the good news is, you’re no longer a flaming asshole!

Office Staff: “Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed!”  No, Tuesday isn’t good . . . how about never, is never good for you or how about the 32nd of  Neverary?  “I’m not saying you’re a suck-up boss, but you have pieces of brown fecal matter all over your nose.”

Psychiatrists, Psychologist: While listening to your last patient you might calmly say, “I can see your point but I still think you’re full of crap!”  Or, “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”

Teachers, Professors: “I like you.  You remind me of me when I was young and stupid!”   Thank you.  We are all refreshed and challenged by your dim-witted point of view!”

Waitress/Waiters/Cooks: There is no need to panic but . . . did anyone find a left finger with a wedding band in their Weinerschnitzel?   Thank you for your lousy ass tip . . . it makes me feel so much better about pissing in your soup!”

This goes without saying however I must point out this list is for entertainment purposes only.

Photo courtesy Seth Daley

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13 thoughts on “YOU’RE SO FIRED!”

  1. Receptionist: I’m sorry. The whole office is having a party and all appointments and conference calls have been canceled. We are expecting our marijuana delivery any moment now.

    1. HA HA HA! Gives an entirely new meaning to high expectations at work! Thanks for the read Kathy!

  2. And this is why they don’t usually let you hang around after you have been “let go”! We had an employee who programmed his phone to call his ex-boss every hour on the hour with a “charming” message. After that experience, they started disabling network and phone access BEFORE they fired you!

    1. Of course in the real world I would have had the employee escorted off the premises by armed guards and have my pit bull office mascot walk me to my car!! LOL

  3. These are keepers Deb. The one for customer service would have been handy for me at one time.

    1. That’s one of my favorites LB. And, since I suffer from CRAFT Disease I keep this list with me just in case I need a quick comeback!

  4. When I waitressed in college, I wanted to say exactly that to lousy tippers. But I refrained. I still wish I had scared a few people. 🙂

  5. Secretary: I’m sorry Ma’am, your husband is busy having sex, I mean “interviewing” a new secretary at the moment. Would you like me to have him call you back when they’re finished? It shouldn’t be long… but I suppose you already know that, huh?

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