Administration: And your crybaby, whiny ass, sniveling opinion on this project would be . . . ? Or, I have plenty of vision; I just don’t give a shit!
Bankers: You say, “Thank you for your deposit today. You’ve made my retirement bonus that much sweeter.” Smile while stuffing the money in your pockets.
Customer Service: Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick . . . will you leave?
Drivers, Bus, Taxi, Truck, Limo: Place a white cane on your dashboard and wear sunglasses while driving down the interstate. Have a seeing eye dog sitting in the passenger’s seat.
Engineering: I don’t work here, I’m a consultant. Or, if you turn the blue prints this way they actually look like you kissing my ass.
Hospitality/Resorts: As your guest leave smile and say, “Thank you for your visit! We appreciate you picking our fine establishment to humiliate yourself, bah-bye!”
Housekeeping: It’s a thankless job. But I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off as you continue wiping the toilet seats with super glue.
Law Enforcement: Unlock all the jail cells and scream, “Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is done!”
Lawyers: Your Honor, I’m not saying my client committed the crime, I’m just saying he LOOKS like a guilty asshole.
Mechanics: Turn to your boss and say, “Your car is ready to go . . . I put all the extra pieces of motor in your trunk. And what the heck is a lug nut anyway?
Medical Profession, Doctors, and Nurses: Good morning Mister Smith, I hope you are feeling better today. Your symptoms no longer resemble the Bubonic Plague! Or, “The bad news is we had to remove your sphincter, the good news is, you’re no longer a flaming asshole!
Office Staff: “Errors have been made. Others will be blamed!” No, Tuesday isn’t good . . . how about never, is never good for you or how about the 32nd of Neverary? “I’m not saying you’re a suck-up boss, but you have pieces of brown fecal matter all over your nose.”
Psychiatrists, Psychologist: While listening to your last patient you might calmly say, “I can see your point but I still think you’re full of crap!” Or, “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”
Teachers, Professors: “I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid!” Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your dim-witted point of view!”
Waitress/Waiters/Cooks: There is no need to panic but . . . did anyone find a left finger with a wedding band in their Weinerschnitzel? Thank you for your lousy ass tip . . . it makes me feel so much better about pissing in your soup!”
This goes without saying however I must point out this list is for entertainment purposes only.
Photo courtesy Seth Daley