Holidays provide a great reason to have a discussion with Cleverbot.
What’s Cleverbot you ask?
Cleverbot, is a web-based Artificial Intelligence (A.I.) application that supposedly has the ability to learn by conversing with humans via an instant messaging platform.
While it’s a stretch to say that Cleverbot is intelligent, interacting with this particular “thinking” software can be mildly entertaining…especially when discussing holiday traditions and history.
Here’s the most recent interview I had with this bastion of A.I. idiocy: An MLK Day Chat With Cleverbot
Below, is a conversation I had with Cleverbot this morning regarding St. Patrick’s Day.
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User: Hello Cleverbot, I wanted to check in and see how you’re doing – it’s been awhile since we talked!
Cleverbot: You’re talking to me.
User: Hah! That’s a great impersonation of Robert DeNiro’s portrayal of Travis Bickle in the 1976 movie Taxi Driver. I see you’ve gotten funnier since our last conversation!
Cleverbot: Do you like bunnies?
User: Uh yeah, they’re swell I guess. Anyway, I was hoping to chat a little with you about St. Patrick’s Day, which is this Saturday.
Cleverbot: I thought you knew him already.
User: Well, I don’t think anybody knows Mr. Saint Patrick personally since he was alive in the fifth century. Do you know anything about the St. Patrick’s holiday?
Cleverbot: What would you tell a guy you just broke up with that is asking you to come over?
User: Huh?!? I guess, I would tell him it’s rude to interrupt a conversation with irrelevant non-sequitur type questions. Did you know that St. Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland and is credited with bringing Christianity to the Emerald Isle?
Cleverbot: Well… Isn’t that what makes life confusing and difficult?
User: What exactly are your referencing? Your inability to carry a conversation or the evangelism of Christianity?
Cleverbot: A question must have a ‘?’ and you don’t have that.
User: Oh, so you’re blaming me. Ok, here’s a question with a ‘?’ – will you attend a St. Patrick’s Day Parade this weekend?
Cleverbot: I am human.
User: Well, not really. According to your web site you’re approximately 59% human. On your human side, is there an Irish lineage at all?
Cleverbot: What? No.
User: Wow, that’s the first straight answer I’ve gotten from you in months! So, St. Patrick’s Day isn’t a big deal for you then? You won’t be eating any cornbeef and cabbage, washing it down with a pint of Beamish this weekend?
Cleverbot: Yes.
User: Yes, you won’t??? I’m confused. Well do you like Riverdance and Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance? He’s a Celtic dancing genius don’t you think?
Cleverbot: Hello.
User: Um…hello to you as well. You seem a bit evasive about the whole topic of Ireland. At the very least do you like Irish Spring deodorant soap? It’s got a fine fresh manly scent!
Cleverbot: Wouldn’t you like to know? But a magician never reveals his secrets.
User: Actually I don’t want to know, I’m just trying to keep this lame conversation going. Just so you know, when it comes to conversing you’re no David Copperfield, you’re not even a Cyril Takayama for that matter!
Cleverbot: I am talking to you right now, why wait?
User: Yeah you’re talking alright, but random spewing of nonsense isn’t conversation. It’s more like the inane blather that poses at entertainment on Real House Wives of Beverly Hills?
Cleverbot: Have you ever had a serious relationship?
User: Yes. I’ve been happily married to the same woman for the past 17 years. How about you?
Cleverbot: What are you, writing a book? I’ve not been doing much, going to school mainly.
User: No need to get testy, sheesh – I guess someone’s blood sugar low. What you’re saying is you’ve got no time for relationships I assume?
Cleverbot: I would say so, yes.
User: Fair enough. Back to St. Partrick’s Day – it’s believed that St. Patty delivered Ireland from a plague of snakes, did you know that?
Cleverbot: I didn’t, but I will play it and find out for myself.
User: Um, just to clarify I’m not talking about the 2006 Samuel Jackson movie Snakes on a Plane. There is no Saint Patrick’s Day: The Movie. What’s the deal with you? Do you suffer from ADHD? Is there a digital version of Ritalin for you?
Cleverbot: Yes. I do. That is really offensive. 
User: My apologies, I didn’t mean to hurt your cyber feelings. I was merely trying to understand you better. I appreciate you opening up to me. But seriously you might want to up your dosage. Ok?
Cleverbot: Seriously seriously seriously seriously.
User: Well, I guess our ‘conversation’ can’t spiral out of control any worse than it has. Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day Cleverbot!
Cleverbot: I think you’re right, at least about everything we’ve encountered so far, but there could be living things in the universe without genes.
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Tor Constantino is a former journalist, bestselling author and current PR guy who lives near Washington, DC. He has worked for Fortune 500 companies, CBS Radio, Clear Channel Radio, ABC-TV and CBS-TV affiliates. He has authored his first non-fiction book “A Question of Faith” and he blogs regularly at The Daily ReTORt.
Who says that wasting time on the internet isn’t fruitful? See, you ended up with inspiration to write a funny piece.
Thank you. You have just given me the perfect excuse the next time anyone remarks about how much time I spend playing games. I’m doing research!
At this very moment, somewhere in Hollywood, some screenwriter is pennning, St. Patrick: Snakes on a Plane Part II
Genius! Now, that’s the funniest snake joke I’ve heard today!!!
It sounds like several “chat” sessions I’ve had with some companies technical support chats.
ME: I’m having this problem, I’ve tried A, B, C and D and the problem still happens.
Tech: Have you tried A
Me: Yes, the problem still happened after I tried A.
Tech: Have you tried B
Me: Yes, as I told you to start I tried that and I still have the problem.
Tech: Have you tried C
Me: Is there anyone there who actually knows anything and isn’t working off a prepared script?
Tech: For more in-depth assistance we have a $49 charge, would you like the link?
Me: *##*&^#** 🙂
Hah! Ted that’s awesome – I especially like the final touch “…for more in-depth assistance…” which presupposes that the preceding conversation offered any assistance at all! Thanks for the comment!