An Email From The Top General

From: General Martin Dempsey

To: All Admirals and Generals

CC: Leon

In light of recent developments concerning three top generals, it is essential that we clarify our policies on the use of email. Your fundamental mission is to protect the nation while acting in a professional manner that reflects the enormous responsibilities placed upon you. Therefore, I am introducing six new rules regarding your use of email. These are not up for debate.

1) No more sexually suggestive emails. I am tired of being forwarded emails where one of you states that you “are looking forward to the chance to Bangkok.” That’s just wrong.

2) It is no longer acceptable to send a photo of your crotch to the Inspector General with the caption “Inspect this, pal.”

3) No more emails about looking forward to meeting young Asian ladies while you “Taiwan on.” See #1 above.

4) For generals stationed in the Middle East: No more salutation lines like “Jihad me at hello.” I’m serious. No more. Stop it.

5) We all know nobody likes being posted in Cambodia. Yes, it’s humid as hell and the mosquitoes are big as birds. But I will no longer tolerate an email like this one: “Sorry for your misfortune Ray. Pnom Pehn there, done that, and it sucked.”

6) For generals stationed in Africa: The next one of you who emails a photo of a woman with the caption “Shake, shake, shake Djibouti” will be fired immediately.

Thanks. I’ll see you all at Jill’s next party. I’ve heard that there will be a great caviar spread.

-Marty