My Failed Facebook Marriage….

You probably don’t know this about me, but I’m a sensitive soul….a petite, genteel flower if you will.

I drink Celestial Seasonings sleepy-time chamomile tea as a pick-me-up.

All of my under garments must be made out of crushed velvet and infused with Downey fabric softener and other anti-chafing agents.

Even my toothbrush bristles are made from 100% baby rabbit fur.

Suffice to say that I have a delicate constitution.

That’s why it’s so difficult for me to (sob) write this post about my failed Facebook marriage.

As background, my lovely wife and I have know each other for nearly 22 years, and we’ve been happily married for more than 16 of those years. But that all changed on Wednesday, December 28th 2011.

In November of last year, I wrote a book that became an Amazon bestseller and I subsequently started working with an online marketing company to help keep that early momentum going. The account team suggested several excellent ideas to help spur the success of the book along.

One of their suggestions was to set up a Facebook “like” page, which is also called a “fan” page. Their thinking was that a “like” page allows for greater flexibility regarding book promotion options, page customization and an unlimited number of people who can “like” the revamped page. That sounded good to me.

Please understand, that up until the fateful day of December 28th, I already had a respectable forum of Facebook friends numbering close to 1,400. Nevertheless, I decided to follow the advice I was paying for and converted my personal Facebook page to a new-fangled “like” page.

Unbeknown to me at that time, all of those friends of mine were converted to “likes” and were no longer “friends.” I couldn’t see anyone’s timelines, status updates, news feeds, photos…etc and I was also booted out of several writing groups I had joined (grrrrr).

Additionally, because my “friend” catalog was erased, I was unable to send private messages to my brother and sisters – which was a colossal pain in the backside because I use Facebook as the primary means of communicating with them since they live two states away. Screw unlimited minutes and texting, Facebook is free!

Even though my converted “like” page for “Tor Constantino, writer” has been getting hundreds of new “likes” each day since the conversion – I missed the community of my Facebook friends.

So, yesterday I decided to set up a new personal page under my full name “Salvatore Constantino.” Once my new personal page was set up, I was able to start searching for friends and family to invite them to my new and improved Facebook site – keep in mind  my “Tor Constantino” page is still fully functioning.

Ironically, a problem popped up regarding my Facebook relationship with my wife.  While she quickly friended my dashing and exotic “Salvatore Constantino” persona (and let’s be honest people who wouldn’t, I mean my full name would beat the snot out of Antonio Banderas‘ name in a bar fight – it’s loaded with consonants and vowels)  it was up to me to establish our relationship as “married” – for the non sequitur record that was the 14th time in this ridiculous post that I’ve used “quotes.”

After my wife friended me as “Salvatore Constantino” I went to update my profile and when I clicked the relationship status button to confirm that I was married to Kim Constantino – I got a big red “X” that stated “…Kim Constantino is currently in a relationship…” with some jerkweed named Tor Constantino.

I was crest-fallen, heart-broken and chest-sunken all at the same time. How could she do that to me? After all we’ve been through, with a baby on the way – how could she cheat on  me with me? I was at a loss.

I mean, what did my other two-dimensional doppleganger  have that I didn’t have?

Nothing.

So, how could she choose to be with me instead of me???  It was vexing to say the least.

When I got home from work I confronted her with this relationship dilemma and forced her to choose – it was either me or me. Period.

She didn’t take my angst seriously and laughed in my facebook…er, um….I mean, she laughed in my face. Regardless, I pressed the point and broke her will. She agreed to divorce the “Tor Constantino” me and only “like” him, while agreeing to a mutual marriage update for her profile with the much more cosmopolitan “Salvatore Constantino” me.  Smart choice.

Shortly, thereafter I received a friend request notification from the good folks at Facebook stating that I needed to “...confirm a relationship request for marriage from Kim Constantino…” I wondered if this was a formal marriage proposal? Would there be a dinner, candles and ring? Might there be a dowry involved? Again, these were burning questions that needed answers.

Despite that uncertainty, I seized the opportunity and swung into action like a swashbuckling buccaneer and made the damsel mine – that’s how I role (just so long as I’m wearing thick, yet supple calfskin leather gloves to avoid rope burn from all that swinging around stuff).

Needless to say, I have successfully secured the affections of one Kim Constantino – despite Facebook’s best efforts to keep us apart.

After re-reading this post, I think our story would make an awesome Harlequin Romance novel – it has intrigue, mistaken identity, conflict, passion, hyperbole, a paper-thin plot all based around an absurd love triangle. On second thought, maybe I’ll just wait for the Lifetime movie version instead and perhaps Antonio Banderas can play the role of Salvatore Constantino.

Question: If this was a trashy dime-store, romance novel what would you name it?Also, how many times did I use “quotes” in this post?

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Tor Constantino is a former journalist, bestselling author and current PR guy who lives near Washington, DC. He has worked for Fortune 500 companies, CBS Radio, Clear Channel Radio, ABC-TV and CBS-TV affiliates. He has authored his first non-fiction book “A Question of Faith”  and he blogs regularly at The Daily ReTORt.