Pregnant and Horny

One full week back in the silicon inflated city we call Los Angeles. I find it oddly comforting that the “healthy, all natural craze” of this place hasn’t extended to breasts. None the less it’s been a very educational seven days. I’ve learned that my wardrobe amounts to that a homeless man, expectations are still completely unreasonable, and most importantly pregnant women are extremely horny.

Let me explain. One of the reasons, (besides the void where my bank account use to be), I came back to this city of sin is a very personal one. I’m about to become an uncle. Despite my disdain for most everyone in my family, I have a soft spot for my older sister. She’s truly amazing and without her I can easily say I wouldn’t be the man I am today. So I fully intend on repaying that by being the best uncle possible.

Now to the educational part…

For the past six days that I’ve been helping out in my brother-in-laws brief absence, I’ve taken my sister to do pregnant yoga every day. Yeah I know, but it’s something Madonna made popular. Being a yoga lover myself, as well as being too lazy to find my own yoga class, I’ve taken part in it, strengthening muscles I hope never to use.

One thing I admittedly love about L.A. and its fairer sex, despite all the pool party toys they have surgically attached, is that they are strong, independent and take charge. And in the after class gab sessions I’m forced to endure because of my very friendly sister, I’ve found most of the women in class are doing the kid thing solo, by choice. Now if only their hormones understood their logical reasoning behind it.

In the past week I’ve been groped, grabbed, teased, fondled and hit on more than… well really I have nothing to compare it to. The sad part is while all these women are incredibly gorgeous, their untouchable. Mainly because my sister told me, “no”, and secondly, there’s way too much pressure involved. You’re dating with the automatic pressure of a relationship and future family.

Those two things stacked up against the opportunity to date a former Victoria Secret model, still win. But the making out in parking lot and forced hand job, don’t really count as dating, do they?

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4 thoughts on “Pregnant and Horny”

  1. Most if not all pregnant women are horny..believe me. You may need to stay away from the classes being that you are innocent and hate the attention…right?? And no..it’s not dating…it’s a “drive-by”. Seriously, I loved the post. Waiting patiently for the next one.Never had a desire to visit the land of LaLa..and still don’t.

  2. Pregnant yoga is probably not a good place for you to be. Be careful when you close your eyes and just breathe. God knows what those LA wicked women might do to you. I see a wife, baby and a mortgage.

    1. Whore-mones will not be my downfall. Most likely it’ll be an Asian girl who lies about liking my writing.

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