THE TOP 5 NUMBER ONE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES TO REPUBLICANS

#1: THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

This nonsensical non-issue is a Republican favorite. Conservatives love to tell us we are not allowed to wish people “Happy Holidays,” even if we don’t know their religion, and even if we’re talking to freedom-loving Israeli settlers, or Wawa franchise operating Hindus, because everyone everywhere should be a Christian and therefore celebrate Jesus’ birfday. Point them to the RNC online store, where the RNC Holiday Ornament speaks volumes about how much they hate the baby messiah and his righteous Black Friday Taiwanese waffle irons, because, just where are we supposed to hang that stupid ornament? On a holiday tree? A Black Panther Kwanza bush? You just can’t fault his work ethic. I don’t complain that News Corp’s Christmas Card offends me personally, and is dishonest, because it doesn’t show a Roger Ailes/Rupert Murdoch/Koch love trifecta.

Explain that the true “reason for the season” isn’t jeebuses brfday, it’s because of the winter solstice, the end of the darkening and celebration of the return of light. Some say that no one knew when the baby Jesus was born, so “they chose a day at random”, which just happened to coincide with all the Pagan holidays. The moral of the story being that we have four different Gospels, hence you can make the text say whatever the fuck you want it to say. If you abandon the Jewish calendar in favor of the Roman (because Jews), peg the respective conceptions and births to the dates of the equinoxes and solstices at the time Caesar made his calendar (3/25, 6/24, 9/24, 12/25), forget about three of the four over the course of 2000 years, and only remember the December one because of Dickensian propaganda, and you the living Hell that is Christmas today!

Besides, if they REALLY wanted to get back to the true meaning of CHRISTmas, they would stop spending so much money on stuff, they’d go full Grinch and get rid of the tree, the roast beast and the who-hash, the decorations and the grossly inaccurate nativity scene and just have a small birthday party.

#2: BENGHAZIGATE

#NeverForget that it’s the ambient hypocrisy of the modern right that anything bad that happens on their watch (yes, even at home), cannot have been foreseen but if something tragic happens in another country on the other side of the world with a Democratic president…you better believe incompetence/treason/laziness is at the heart of it. What I’m saying it you’ll never win this one, so, swallow your pride along with your eggnog and admit that Obama deliberately failed to do anything to prevent Benghazi  – maybe even killed those people himself to advance the evildoings of his Muslin Brotherhood friends – and your wingnut relatives will be happy. They will bristle like fucking porcupines if you even allude to how the Bush Admin did not exactly do much to prevent 9/11 from occurring, so don’t go there. The fact that Obama does not begin EVERY public appearance reading the names of those who died in Benghazi and beg for forgiveness is proof enough of his guilt. Don’t bring up the fact that W never read the names of any 9/11 casualties and his administration was so fucking bereft of human decency Dick Rumsfeld would auto-pen soldier death notices. It’s amazing that Obama had the time to orchestrate this calamity and still fit in 2 rounds of golf a day not to mention supervising the destruction of America.

#3: THE 2nd AMEND…..blahblahblah snooze.

It’s always fun when idiots decide to dive into Constitutional jurisprudence. If you have relatives who already exercise their rights to the fullest, yet say, “Hey, I really need more guns”, why not surprise them by  them a sweet firearm – how about the DPMS Panther Oracle AR-15, that provides its owner with SO MUCH PROTECTION because you can fire a lot of rounds very quickly and comes with two 30-round magazines, so cousin Levi will be ready for some serious protecting the instant he slings it around his back. He won’t have to tell those neighbor kids twice to turn down that Hip-Hop, or not to complain that their pizza is cold!

#4: “OPERATION FAST AND THE FURIOUS” aka “Operation Waste of Time and Money”.

It’s becoming clear that if this era in American life and politics is remembered for one thing, it will be the Justice Department’s “Operation Fast and Furious”, a government sting operation that allowed guns to enter Mexico in order to trace them to drug cartels. I’ve never understood why the government would name an operation after a movie about a sting operation falling apart….Anyway, Darrell Issa – the sort of paranoid schizophrenic swindling grifter that Sarah Palin can only dream of being – is the subpoena-wielding chair of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee whose duty to America is stickin’ it to Obama over one grossly exaggerated scandal during an election year. Evil authoritarian and uppity negro Barack Obama had the nerve to evoke executive privilege – Issa’s committee, meanwhile, voted beleaguered Eric Holder in contempt. Thing is, Fast and the Furious was conceived in the Bush administration. For those keeping score, that’s before Eric Holder got his job. Please ask why Democratic presidents are hounded by shit, but none of the shit the War Criminal administration did was ever investigated for anything. Republicans, including Oil-soaked arsonist car thief Mr. Issa, need to be forever ejected from the legislative process, for the sake of civilization. And they’ll always have that Roger Clemens conviction. Moral of this story is you can tell Republicans are being disingenuous when the thing they’re complaining about involves buying more guns.

#5: OBUMMER CARE

One Million Years Ago, America’s churches paid for everyone to get medical care and the world was perfect. Available care protocols included aspirin, opium, leeches, splints, and a bullet to bite on during amputations. And payment by fowl. Affordable care for all! None of those socialist MRIs or lithotripters. Usually, what your visibly unhealthy Republican relatives really want to do is to echo the sentiments expressed at that GOP debate LET HIM DIE!’ for folks unlucky enough to take jobs that don’t offer health insurance or who can’t afford to pay $800 a month for COBRA coverage after Bain loads up their employer with debt and then sells off the assets. Global circumnavigations are controversial, not just because they cost money, but also because some critics, primarily conservatives, contend the ships will fall off when they reach the edge of the planet. Die free or live, sheapals! They can have my pre-existing condition/freedoms when they pry them from my cold dead hands!