Women are Still Mysterious

A little over a month ago, I began investigating the enigmas that are women — these eniginas, if you will — after learning that Stephen Hawking is wasting valuable research time thinking about them. (Get back to your black holes, sir. You study cosmology, not Cosmo.)

Well, it looks like my investigation has attracted the notice of Republican state and federal legislators, who — like Professor Hawking — often have a problem with wasting time on this issue. I’ll admit that my sources are lacking when it comes to the pull of congressional committees as I don’t have the power to summon religious leaders to answer my questions.

Is this how mysterious women have become, that when science fails, we must turn to our culturally relevant mythologies (not this year, Zeus) to finally figure out what makes ladies tick? The answer is, yes, short of asking women, this is the only way to solve the further mysteries of women. Mysteries like …


Ask your doctor if Lunestra is right for your baby.

Men have a lot to worry about when it comes to sex, like gonorrhea and feelings. But did you know that sex has pitfalls for women, too? (It’s true.)

For instance, almost all women are carriers of a disease called ovulation. Now this mostly lays dormant in women, and in some lucky cases never manifests into full blown pregnancy at all. (Women are vulnerable to the disease from the ages of around 10 to, like, 40 or 50.) But, a trigger can sometimes be introduced via sexual transmission because men are carriers of C’mon Girl, Just the Head, Pleeeeease?

The resulting chemistry induces a chronic condition that lasts for at least 18 years (30, if college is involved) that includes the symptoms of:

  • Nausea
  • Weight gain
  • Increased hunger
  • Bladder control issues
  • Hemorrhoids
  • Feelings of undesirability
  • Stranger danger (everyone wants to touch your distended belly for some reason)
  • Bizarre cravings
  • Cramps
  • Peeing out a new life form

And that’s only the first nine months, which is all insurance will cover. After that, ladies are on the hook for:

  • Sleeplessness
  • Breast tenderness and nipple bites
  • Exhaustion
  • Every cold in the public school system
  • Graying of the hair
  • Ulcers

So, the question is, why would women want to avoid all of that until confident that it won’t destroy their lives? It’s not like we men cover our mouths when sneezing or wash our hands after tipping strippers.


What’s even more bizarre is that, when contraception doesn’t work, some women still insist on receiving legal treatment for their disease. As if sexually transmitted diseases were curable, please. OK, one cure for my crabs, doctor, stat. Tell that to the culture in my bush that has developed its own algebra and method for building pyramids.

It’s time for women to realize there’s only one cure for their problems, and that’s abstaining from sex with men. Fortunately, men are immune to the disease, so we can continue having sex with each other.

This doesn’t solve the mystery of women and their weird sexual urges, but I think we can officially declare this health crisis over. Boom. You’re welcome.


Pull-ups, essential.

For millenia, the realm of warfare was the province of men. The only problem is that, although men are very good at it now, it took them all of human history to get there. In fact, when it comes to warfare, things didn’t really get cooking until the 20th Century, meaning men were unwilling to stop and ask for directions to tanks and submarines for at least 2000 years.

There has always been one rule to war that men can agree on: no women and no children, which would be news to the millions of boys as young as 10 who have lied about their age or been conscripted throughout its entire history.

But, for some reason, women want in on war, too. Don’t they realize the hell that war brings, be it nuclear annihilation or an enemy that chooses to wear camouflage even though they knew you had planned to wear it for years beforehand?


Am I right, ladies?

Based on some comments I received from real life Internet women, it appears that they are a mystery unto themselves.

While men can look at something and instantly decide whether it is relevant to our interests as is, women can look at the most unworkable piece of crap and find its inner potential, as if a plain pair of thrift shop jeans were a Mr. Darcy who just needs a good bedazzling. The really sick thing is that they can do this without the aid of beer commercials.

But, that’s not the end of the story. Not only do they see this potential in items they don’t currently possess, they see it in items they already own, rendering them incapable of disposing of any of it. Shoes, purses, their vaginas — everything could one day be useful again with a little ribbon and bikini wax.

Women even look at their hands differently. When a man gets tired of the same old ten fingers, he may change things up with a table saw. Women would rather apply new acrylic nails over the old ones.


This also came up in the comments. Women loves them some chocolate. They prescribe it as a cure-all for everything the way alcoholics do with booze: depression, happiness, headaches, withdrawal and hangovers.

Some women claim that chocolate induces a chemical reaction in the brain similar to an orgasm, which brings up the biggest mystery to men: how do they know they’re not having an orgasm with us?

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