Apologetic Paula Deen To Make Amends With Soul Food Cookbook

A tearful Paula Deen appeared on the Today Show on NBC this morning to address concerns over the use of possible racial slurs that she may have used in the past. She apologized profusely for any offense, claimed that her only use of the N-word was during a Jay-Z karaoke jam, professed her love for all people, and announced a new initiative that she feels will make it up to America.

Releasing in August, “Paula Deen’s Soul Food Cookbook” will feature “145 pages of recipes for your favorite coloreds in your life”.

“Some people say that I am out of touch, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. And this book will show my love of the coloreds. I focus on low cost ingredients that you people can afford, and I don’t use very big words as to confuse you. I feature lots of watermelon and fried chicken, and even chicken-fried watermelon. Plus I use a lot of your old favorites from the trip over like pig’s feet and chit’lins, and even healthy vegetables to keep your figures from getting out of control like they always do. Vegetables like turnip tops, beet tops, and dandelions. I also keep the number of ingredients for each recipe as low as possible so you can keep focused while listening to your rap gangster music.

I made it only 145 pages because you people already eat at McDonald’s so much and I know you don’t have a lot of time to cook a lot of things after playing all of that basketball each day. Plus I know your gas bill could be cut off at any moment. So as an exclusive bonus, I have included some special recipes that don’t need a stove like purple drank and gin & juice for cooling you people off after a long day of picking out in the fields. You’ll love it. I feel privileged to be able to show how deeply I love all races, especially the darker ones.

I just know you’ll probably want to steal this book, but I’ve made it really affordable so that you can get it with your food stamps and I even included a promotion for a free 40 ounce (Old English or Colt 45, your choice!) with each legitimate purchase. And you can find this at all of your popular bookstores. It should be on a shelf near the back by your water fountain.”

Deen’s publicist believes that this is the first step in rehabilitating her image and beginning to recreate her lucrative empire. Look for her book late this summer. Or maybe not.