Dealing With Syria


When asked about bombing Syria, most Americans view the act the same way they view Donald Trump’s hair – they strongly disapprove. Polls show that Americans are tired of being the world’s policeman and they don’t want to spend another $30 million or so on warfare during a time of budget cuts. But there’s a way the US could remove Assad from power at little cost in blood or treasury. Here’s how:

Everyone familiar with movies knows about The Expendables, a bad-ass pack of aging tough guys who battle evil wherever it’s found. Now up to the third installment, the team roster is constantly changing as individuals drop out to get hip replacements, face lifts, and denture-repairs. So using an entirely new cast, we assemble pack #4. They hit the gym, train in special ops, and then parachute into Syria.

We’ll need guys intimately familiar with warfare. So here’s the dream team I envision: Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld, Powell, Paul Wolfowitz, and John Yoo.

Yup, this new team is bad ass to the core, especially Yoo. Talk about bringing on the heat! Two days into the invasion, it’ll go down fast and hard, like this:

The Expendables take out the entire Syrian army and then chase Assad down an alley, cornering him. Assad pulls out a garage door opener and presses a button, causing Cheney’s heart to explode. This sends the team into a frenzy, especially Wolfowitz, who uses a step-ladder to reach up and grab Assad’s throat.

Assad: “Who sent you?”

Wolfowitz: “Your mustache stylist, he wants his caterpillar back.”

A loud cracking noise pierces the air. The team drops to the ground looking for snipers until they realize the sound is coming from one of Rumsfeld’s knee-joints.

Yoo goes mad-dog and starts torturing Assad, inflicting paper cuts using a legal memo. But Bush, the natural team leader, brushes Yoo aside. He slaps the cuffs on Assad and says “Damn dude, if your eyes were any closer together you’d be a Cyclops. Its Assad day for you. Get it? A sad, Assad?”

Powell, doing what he’s told, leads Assad away to a Hummer.

This could totally work.

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