Dirty Tricks For Dirty Times

The other day I read about a brilliant trick the Dutch government used to capture a Somali pirate who’d taken one of their ships hostage. Given the chaos in Somalia, the Dutch couldn’t just go into the country and grab the guy. So they had someone approach the pirate, pretending to be a filmmaker interested in making a movie about his exploits. The “filmmaker” asked the pirate to act as a consultant in a movie about his own life. So, with his ego inflamed by visions of grandeur, the pirate flew to Amsterdam. And then was promptly arrested.

This gives us the perfect template for ending the government shutdown. Lord knows we need it, as time is getting tight. Here’s how it would work:

We approach the Tea Party guys in the House. We tell them that we’re making a documentary film about “fearless patriots in Congress boldly fighting back against the tyranny of the Obama administration.” That’s Step 1: feeding their desperate need to be seen as big, important men.

But the project, they learn, is strictly hush-hush. The film will be a smash success in a nation desperate for modern heroes, but only if the script doesn’t leak. Therefore, secrecy is paramount — they must tell no one where they’re going and arrive at the film studio without their cell phones.

Once assembled, the Tea Partiers learn about the film:

Titled Mission Impeachable, the movie will recount the exploits of a brave group of uber-men who infiltrate the White House and capture the Dark Lord himself. Ted Cruz is the obvious lead since he resembles Tom Cruise, if Tom Cruise were to suddenly gain 100 pounds and then suffer a massive stroke. In the gripping climax, Ted descends from wires attached to the ceiling of the Oval Office and singlehandedly captures the President.

Then our “filmmaker” exits the windowless room to let the Tea Partiers read the script. And he locks the door behind him.

In the ensuing two weeks we raise the debt ceiling, get the government back open, and pass a budget.

And then we go back to the studio, unlock the door, and apologize for our “mistake.”