So, you thought that your friends would be thrilled to see your family vacation photos or that brand new house you just bought. Well, you are wrong. Your friends hate you more and more each time you post anything positive that is happening in your life on Facebook. Why? Because they suffer from the newly-identified psychological phenomenon known as Facebook Envy. Just like the more popular Penis Envy, the sufferers of Facebook Envy have a hard time understanding why some of their friends are blessed with “more” while they have “not so much”. Don’t despair as help is coming. Rehabs, blindsided by this new affliction, are setting up social media withdrawal programs as we speak which will slowly wean your jealous friends from Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter or any other site that allows old friends, new friends and family to share good news. I am also sure there will be a little pill for this malady down the road as well.
In the meantime, how can you help a friend who is battling Facebook Envy? You can stop posting pictures of you, your family and most importantly, your pets. Nothing sparks an attack of Facebook Envy quite like a cute dog who seems to love his or her owners unconditionally. Second: Do not tell anyone good news of any kind. Keep your conversations whiny, dark and cryptic. Sometimes a convo about impending world war or a mass epidemic that can potentially wipe out millions lifts the spirits of Facebook Envy sufferers greatly because if the world is falling apart, they know they are not alone. And lastly–and this is the most drastic action–de-friend these asses because any friend who can’t be happy about something good going on in your life is not worthy of the energy it takes for you to click the “Like” button on their page.