SEAL Team 5 Tired Of Getting All of the Crappy Assignments

Recently news has came to light about two overseas covert operations undertaken by the famed “SEAL Team 6″ in Libya and Somalia. In Libya, special forces successfully snatched Abu Anas al-Libi, a suspected al Qaeda operative wanted for the deadly 1998 bombings of two U.S. embassies in Africa.


The news was met with much excitement about yet another triumph by the elite group. Past successes of SEAL Team 6 have included the invasions of Grenada and Panama, the rescue of Jessica Buchanan, and the capture and killing of Osama bin Laden. However, some were not quite as impressed by the recent successes. Disgruntled members of SEAL Team 5 spoke candidly about the situation:

“SEAL Team 6 this…SEAL Team 6 that…I’m getting really sick of hearing their name. We’re just as good as they are. Our so-called commanders say that we aren’t as good. Something about not being as good at keeping a low profile and guarding mission secrecy. Well that’s crap,” said SEAL Team 5 member Rodrigo Perez, assuredly a pseudonym.

“No, that’s my real name. Born and raised in San Antonio, Texas. My parents, Pablo and Juanita, have lived in the same house on Main Street since 1975,” added Perez.

“They also say that we’re often profane and insubordinate. Well that’s fucking bullshit, they don’t know any more than we do, and those assholes know it!” added Frank Aronstein.

The men compared experiences with the more fabled “Six” and revealed that their last 3 missions were keeping order during a midnight iPhone release, guarding a Jaguar dealership, and volunteering at career day at a local middle school.

Author’s note: This is in jest. I am sure that SEAL Team 5, if one does exist, achieves their objectives stealthily with professionalism and skill at all times. Please do not kill me in my sleep.

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3 thoughts on “SEAL Team 5 Tired Of Getting All of the Crappy Assignments”

  1. Good thing you gave that caveat at the end. Otherwise you might have seen red laser beams coming through the windows in your TV room. 🙂

  2. I would not scoff at iPhone crowd control. I bet they had to wear SWAT type gear and probably night vision goggles. That is sort of important. The guy from SEALS 5 sounds a little bit jealous.

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