The Real Coin Question

To address the debt-ceiling standoff the Treasury could mint a trillion-dollar platinum coin and stick it in an account at the Fed. This would negate the need to raise the debt ceiling (because investors would be too busy laughing to bother demanding repayment of their T-bills). But how is this even possible? Well, a bill in the 1990’s gave the Treasury Secretary this power. Coin collectors and investors wanted collectible coins to be more affordable, so congress gave the Treasury Secretary the power to mint a coin in any denomination he/she saw fit.

Since this plan is a ridiculous end-run around a very serious issue, Obama’s team of advisers will likely reject it. But it does present a related way to reduce the federal debt without raising taxes. These collectible coins are cheap to produce and can be sold at a profit to investors, thereby allowing taxes to stay low so people can put their money into important things like new jet-skis.

But here’s the rub: collectible coins are safe and boring (remember those 50-state quarters? Yawn). If, however, we had edgy, exciting new coins that everyone wanted, we could sell tons of them. I have an idea for three collectible coins that would fly off the shelves:

The Heroes Of The Financial Crisis Coin

More studs got off during the financial crisis than did during the filming of Debbie Does Dallas. But unlike those actors, guys like Angelo Mozilo and Joe Cassano suffered little to no harm over time. And let’s face it, they’ll never do a stretch in prison. But with their faces on a collectible coin, you could slip the coin into that felt binder with the half-moon slots and at least pretend that they’re incarcerated. It’s better than nothing.

The Gitmo Coin

There are still something like 160 people detained at GuantanamoBay. They’re just sitting around and mooching off of hard-working American taxpayers. We could have a coin for each with their face on the front and the phrase “In Indefinite Detention We Trust” inscribed on the back. Avid collectors who are still bent on revenge after all these years would scoop up the entire series, thereby turning lemons into lemonade (albeit a bitter one). And the marketing catchphrase for this coin is obvious: “Here’s your chance to Gitmo-money!”

The First Pet Coin

Lots of people collect coins to one day pass them on to their grandkids. They don’t want to give these little darlings a collection featuring crooks and men rotting away in an American gulag. So we also need a cheery coin featuring the adorable pets that Presidents have brought to the White House. Bo, Fala, Checkers – these are the occupants of the White House that we all truly admire. There’s been 44 Presidents and most have had multiple pets during their tenure. Rutherford B. Hayes had ten (including a cat named Miss Pussy), Teddy Roosevelt had thirty (including a small bear named Jonathan Edwards).

Everybody loves pets. So do the math — this last coin is the money-making, debt-destroying coin of the future.