My wife wants me to be prepared for emergencies, but then she gets mad when I stock up on ammo to kill zombies. Make up your mind, woman.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2013
Never date someone before you see their Netflix instant queue. You have a right to know how you'll be wasting your nights and weekends.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2013
I had to make a sandwich with chunky peanut butter because we were out of the regular kind, so don’t talk to me about overcoming adversity.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2013
I listened to my wife talk about her problems for an hour, and she didn’t even have sex with me afterward. I think I’m in the friend zone.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2013
I checked my email & discovered I recently placed orders on Amazon for toy cars, a hot glue gun, & condoms. Evidently drunk me had a plan.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2013
