My wife:*puts down her book* “What’re you doing?”
Me:“Practicing falcon calls”
Her: “OK” *returns to reading*
We’ve been married too long
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2013
My boss threw away a rubber band b/c I didn’t have the self-control to stop playing with it, in case you wondered how interesting my job is.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2013
An old high school classmate said, “I see you didn’t kill yourself. Congrats, I guess.” At least I finally exceeded someone’s expectations.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2013
If I won’t look you in the face, that doesn’t mean I’m hiding something. You might just be hard to look at because you’re really ugly.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2013
I get where you’re coming from. I don’t sympathize or care at all, but I do understand on a strictly intellectual level. Now please go away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2013