Not to brag, but I’m the guest of honor at my 3-year-old’s tea party. I outranked all the other invitees: a Barbie and 6 plastic dinosaurs.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2013
I gave my 1-year-old a sippy cup that’s impossible to spill. She filled her mouth with milk and spit it on the floor. Kids: They find a way
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2013
My 3-year-old is afraid of loud noises. The only way to stop her constant questions is to run the blender. It’s margarita time.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2013
My 3-year-old: *screams “French fries” 900 times*
Me: “Do you want fries?”
Her: “No, I’m just singing”
Kids aren’t meant to be understood
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2013
Cthulhu is an evil sea god. Chihuly is a glass artist. If my wife enunciated, I wouldn’t have wasted a day at the museum looking at vases.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 1, 2013
That blender trick is the best! You should submit that to Parents’ magazine!