We’ve Found Our Guy

Not surprisingly, the GOP is struggling to find a person they can coalesce around as their Presidential candidate for 2016. Chris Christie is one possibility, but his demeanor and communication style reminds voters of their last ugly confrontation with a bouncer at Hooters. Rand Paul has promise, but it evaporates the minute he says something like “putting fluoride in the water is a UN plot to reduce testosterone levels in American men.” Rick Perry, forgetting things during debates, hints a bit too much at yet-to-be-diagnosed Alzheimer’s.

Well, not to worry. I’ve found the ideal candidate (pictured above). He’s an early-fifties, white male, which is essential. That right there gets him past the first iron-clad requirement to be a GOP Presidential candidate.

But this guy has much more going for him. He’s lived alone in a cave for the past twenty years, putting his last contact with civilization as 1993. This is important for a GOP candidate because that’s the year NAFTA was signed – this guy hasn’t seen the destruction of American industrialized towns that resulted. So, he can claim with a straight face that What’s Good For Corporations Is Always Good For Workers.

And he’s lived with no assistance whatsoever for twenty years. Who better to propagate the GOP myth of rugged self-reliance? Hell, this guy pulled himself up by the bootstraps, and he doesn’t even own boots!

But here’s the real kicker. Look at what’s in his arms. Yup, a bundle of sticks that he uses to heat his cave. This guy is totally pro-carbon. No way is he gonna phase out coal or Tar Sands oil based on some myth about climate change. And if you showed him a solar panel, he’d probably just say “Cool, a new bed!”

Given the popularity of  survivalist shows, this man’s nakedness is no longer a problem in campaigning. We’ve found our guy. Sure, he lives in China, but there’s plenty of time to deal with that.