What is my Fantasy Job? | HumorOutcasts

What is my Fantasy Job?

May 26, 2013
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Each day, my email is filled with educational opportunities that promise to put me on the path to financial success and personal satisfaction. I have to admit that some of these emails grab my attention. Do you know that in a few short months, I can be an x-ray technician, bartender, Pilates instructor or a social worker? I don’t know how these “schools” who send these emails know that it will only take me “a few short months” to complete their rigorous academic requirements, but I suspect that if I am willing to pay their tuition, I might even be able to get a medical degree.

Anyway, as I stared at the possible list of careers I could pursue, I started to ponder my dream jobs. So, below is a list of careers that I have often thought would be fun to take on.

Truck Driver – I have always longed for the freedom of the open road. I could see me sitting behind the wheel of one of those 18-wheeler things and having a grand old time on the CB. Do truckers still use CBs or are they cell phone people now? I hope there are CBs, I would love to have a cool or scary identity – I guess the correct term is “handle” – such as Mama Frizz or PMS Queen or Mankiller. Nothing would get in my way besides idiot drivers on the New Jersey Turnpike and a few state troopers who do not appreciate my affinity for tailgating and blowing my big trucker horn at old people who refuse to go more than 45 MPH in the center lane! The only trucking gig I wouldn’t do is ice road driving. That looks pretty damn dangerous, and while trucking is dangerous in general, in most cases you can usually get a Los Angeles truck accident attorney to protect in the event that anything bad happened while driving. I saw that TV show, and there is no way that I am driving drive across frozen lakes and rivers to deliver auto parts to some car dealer in East Snowshoe, Alaska.

Trapeze artist – I don’t know why this would be so much fun for me except the fact that I could – and feel free to sing along – fly through the air with the greatest of ease and I would be the amazing woman on that flying trapeze. I have to admit that I interview traveling circus people for a trade magazine I write for and they are so interesting. Plus, I would think that if you go around telling men you are a trapeze artist, you never lack a date. I don’t know why this is true, but men just seem to love trapeze artists. Me, I go ga-ga over someone who can offer a steady income and a walk-in closet, but hey, everyone is different.

Sports team mascot (specifically the Philly Phanatic) – This is truly my dream job! Imagine how it would be? I could put on a costume and gyrate in a way that would get me arrested if I was not in that costume. I could stand on top of the Phillies dugout and yell at umpires and opposing players and not get in trouble or escorted out by security – that is like dying and going to heaven. Plus, I think the Phanatic’s costume is air conditioned which makes it more than okay to wear in the summer heat. The Phanatic persona combines celebrity clout with anonymity.

Casino Security Person in Las Vegas – I want this job because there is no better place to people watch than Vegas, and no job allows you more access to people than security at a casino. When I was in Vegas, I started to chat with a man who was in casino security. He could read people so clearly, and he was telling me about the characters he sees. “It’s a novel waiting to happen,” he said. “I don’t even need security cameras to know what they are up to. I have been in this job so long, that by looking at people, I can tell if they are criminals, cheaters, etc. When they come here, they just let it show.” To have that kind of insight on human nature would be amazing to me.

Baywatch Babe – I can hear women everywhere asking “Why? Why this job?” Because simply, I would be at the beach all day and that to me would be great. Okay, it’s also the boobs! For five minutes, I would love to know what it is like to have those boobs, and find out if they do really help one float. The other perks of the job is no office work and no boring work clothes. The downside to being a Baywatch Babe: riptides and sharks.

Third string quarterback in the NFL – If I were a man, this would be my top job. Why? I would get the league minimum of more than $500,000 per year; I would rarely have to play a single game because there is a star QB and the second-stringer hoping the star gets hurt so he can become the first-stringer, and since I would probably not have to see a moment of action, I would have no long-term, chronic health issues. Best of all when someone asks what I did for a living, I would get to say truthfully, “I am an NFL quarterback.” As a guy, I bet that would make me a chick magnet. As a woman, I have no shot at this job, so I will save it as a possibility for my next life.

Food tester for famous bakery chefs – Nothing gives me more joy than desserts. I am a cookie eating, cake-loving, ice cream-a-holic who lives for sweet treats. As a pastry tester for the famous chefs of the world, I would get my share of not only everyday desserts but the desserts that only royalty enjoys. I don’t know how one gets a job as pastry tester, and I did not see a category for it on Monster.com, but if anyone has an “in” on this career, please let me know.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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7 Responses to What is my Fantasy Job?

  1. Jack Sass
    May 27, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    I’m stuck on Baywatch Babe, go figure! :p

  2. Theresa Wiza
    May 26, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    I applied for a casino job once. I wanted to be Cage Master or Slot Goddess, but they didn’t recognize my talents.

    • May 26, 2011 at 8:05 pm

      well, Theresa, it was their loss. I bet now they are sorry!! 🙂

  3. May 26, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Actually, Matty, my husband is the lucky one! 🙂

    • May 27, 2011 at 3:28 pm

      You ladies! My wife is always saying that to me too.

  4. May 26, 2011 at 10:48 am

    Nice choices. But I might enjoy being a photographer for those Playboy playmate shoots. I hear the perks are nice.

    PMS Queen? Mankiller?? God bless your husband.



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