Advice For The Slaughtered

image

Surveys taken following the recent mid-term elections revealed that two-thirds of Americans think the economic system is unfair and favors the wealthy. So Americans decided to do something about it–they rose up and handed more power to the party that does the bidding of the wealthy. This type of insight and highly-informed action is often referred to as “American Exceptionalism.”

Commentators and talking heads credited a two-step strategy for the Republican party’s gains–(1) Refuse to pass any significant legislation and then (2) blame the other side for gridlock in Washington. Yes, the Mr Smith Goes To Washington And Sits On His Ass strategy is brilliant. But it’s not what put the Republicans over the top. The key to success can be seen in these two GOPers:

A Senate candidate in Illinois once had a daughter who was harassing a beagle. The dog fought back, biting the girl. But Animal Controll officers didn’t put the dog down. So the candidate went home, grabbed a gun, and shot the dog himself.

Talk about can-do spirit! This is how the frontier was conquered. The guy won his race.

Over in Iowa a Senate candidate boasted how she used to castrate hogs on the family farm while growing up. She turned this into a catchy slogan about “cutting pork” in Washington. Everyone laughed, until she won her race.

So listen up Dems! Here’s why the Republicans slaughtered you — American’s want can-do candidates who take matters into their own hands. And engaging in animal cruelty is an excellent way to prove that you’re a can-doer.

Better luck next time.

Share this Post:

One thought on “Advice For The Slaughtered”

  1. A tormentor of beagles? Isn’t that a sign that she will one day take her angst out on the human population? And we all know her father has a gun so let’s guess who she will take out down the road. And of course, her father will say, “We had no knowledge that she could be so violent.” And then he will be re-elected. Wow, I think there is a novel in this Thomas. Go at it.

Comments are closed.