Appropriate Letters to Inappropriate People

Letter and EnvelopeInspiration: Microsoft Word Templates: Letter Acknowledging Termination of Employment and Asking for Reference

Microsoft Word recommends this:

Dear Ms. Battereen:

As you know, my final day at The Acme Rat Poison Company is fast approaching. I am disappointed that my position here is ending, but I understand that the company layoffs are necessary due to the changing economy.

My search for a new position has already begun, and I am pleased with the number of possible opportunities I’ve uncovered. However, in this tight job market, I need more than just a good resume to get my foot in the door. Therefore, I am hoping that you can write me a recommendation that I can use in my job search.

As my manager of 10 years, you are very familiar with my skills as a Supervisor as well as my excellent written and oral communication skills and my overall enthusiasm for working in the rat poison industry.

Do you feel that you can write me a good recommendation?

If you have any questions, or would like to schedule a meeting to further discuss this, please feel free to contact me at work or at home. My home phone number is 000-111-2234.

Sincerely,

Marina Marino

This is what Marina REALLY wanted to write:

Dear Skinny, Frog-Faced Bag of Nastiness:

As you know, because it was your freakin’ idea, my final day at The Acme Rat Poison Company is fast approaching. I am disappointed that I am being kicked out like a bag of garbage, but the hefty raise that you and the other managers received should console you for any sadness you may have at my departure.

My search for a new position has already begun, and I am pleased that two companies out of fifty have actually offered me an interview. However, in this tight job market, I need more than just a good resume to get my foot in the door. Therefore, I am hoping that you can write me a recommendation that I can use in my job search.

As my manager of 10 freakin’ wasted years of my life, you are very familiar with my skills as the person who actually ran the department behind the scenes, since you are an incompetent moron whose biggest qualification is the willingness to steal other people’s ideas. You should be familiar with my excellent written and oral communication skills because you are functionally illiterate and I always had to edit your letters and memos so you would look like you went to school. I would be glad to recommend some good adult remedial writing classes, since you won’t have me there anymore to make you look good.

Do you feel that you can write me a good recommendation and get someone literate to correct it for you before you sign it? If you don’t, I am going to tell everyone what you were doing with the mail boy in the supply closet last Thursday afternoon. He will probably never recover.

If you have any questions, or would like to meet me in the alley behind the factory, please feel free to contact me at work or at home. My home phone number is 000-111-2234. Be forewarned – I was the girls’ martial arts champion of St. Catherine of Siena High School. My hands and feet are lethal weapons, and I will be happy to use them on you. No jury will ever convict me.

Sincerely,

Marina Marino
Former Assistant Manager
Now Unemployed and Mad as Hell

Share this Post:

8 thoughts on “Appropriate Letters to Inappropriate People”

  1. Now I’m not one for negativity but I don’t think Skinny, Frog-Faced Bag of Nastiness is going to help you!

    1. Any resemblance in the above writing to any person, alive or dead, is accidental. The author threw every kind of memory, imaginary rambling and hallucinations of a deranged mind in order to compose it.

  2. This, my friend, is pure comedic genius. I LOVED this! The best part? “…as the person who actually ran the department behind the scenes, since you are an incompetent moron whose biggest qualification is the willingness to steal other people’s ideas.”

    I can’t imagine what I would say in this situation but it definitely wouldn’t be as nice as you put it, and definitely not as nice as Microsoft did.

    GREAT piece!

    1. Aw shucks! Nobody ever called me a comedic genius before. Thanks!

      I’ve been called a lot of other things, but it’s best not to mention them. 😉

Comments are closed.