Go Ahead, Ask Me Anything

TomChickenHat2

In Arkansas, a police chief recently resigned after using Facebook, a social media platform also known as “the online forum cops always use to get themselves fired.” On Facebook he called a local reporter a “pro dope-smoking, smelly, left-wing liberal.”

This is a perfect description of me as well. So, to show my support for this reporter (her first name is Sunshine, how cool is that?) I am starting a question and answer forum. We’ll see how this goes. If I get laughed at for doing this, I’ll definitely be back. So let’s get started:

Dear Smelly:

“I keep getting these messages in my Spam folder promising to help me gain three inches. I’m tired of this junk, what should I do?”

Dear Inches:

“Reply to the message. Tell them that you’re perfectly happy with your property line and don’t require the assistance of a surveyor.”

Dear Smelly:

“The guy working at the grocery store keeps giving me this huge smile and saying “It’s a great time for fruit.” He’s a nice guy, but I wish he’d stop doing that. What should I do?”

Dear Fruit:

“Go grammatical on his cheery self. Tell him “It’s a great time for eating fruit. But it’s not a great time for fruit. They’re getting eaten, which must be terrifying.”

Dear Smelly:

“I received a flyer for a seminar on How To Invest In Options. I went out and bought some Dockers and a golf shirt, but I’m still wondering if I should go. Your thoughts?”

Dear Dockers:

“Hopefully you kept your clothes receipts. Because here’s the deal — the only people who make any money from those seminars are the ones who put them on.”

If you have a question for Dear Smelly, please place it in the Comment Section below. I’ll get to it after I stop fielding all the calls from media companies seeking syndication.

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9 thoughts on “Go Ahead, Ask Me Anything”

  1. Dear Smelly,

    I’m writing a book but I don’t want it to be like every other book where the main character tries to create a world without Bon Jovi. How do I create something that hasn’t been created before and how do I create a world without Bon Jovi?

    Fresh Father Silky Slim

    1. Dear Slim,
      I think you’re living on a prayer. But perhaps you could create a Jersey version of the Hunger Games where Mr Jovi squares off against Bruce Springsteen. Everyone knows who’s the Boss. Just before crushing Jovi with an amp Springsteen shouts “You give music a bad name, bad name.” Sorry to not have a better idea, maybe the A.M. drinking should go.

  2. Dear Smelly,

    My last child just went off to college and I have developed an emotional reaction: I can’t stop jumping up and down and laughing. Do I need therapy?

    Desperate Parent

    1. Dear Desperate,
      This right here is all the therapy you’ll need. Your reaction is entirely healthy and reasonable. But what you really need is a new infant child to get you serious once again.

  3. Dear Smelly,

    Thirty-eight years ago I was a real guy magnet. Now I can’t even get guys to look at me. Hispanic guys call me “Mami.”

    How can I stop being “Mami” and go back to being hot?

    Mami Dearest

    1. Dear Mami,
      This is a tough one, a potential minefield. But a promise is a promise. Do the Ice Bucket Challenge. Real guys dig compassion (and they love wet t-shirts). If I am now de-friended, it was nice knowing ya.

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