Last week, I shared an article on my scarcely read blog about an experience in college making money at children’s birthday parties. If you need context, you can click here. Don’t worry, I’ll be here when you get back.
Since I don’t allow comments on my blog (because people are generally assholes), I was contacted by a Mrs. Brame via the Facebook:
Dear Mr. Cat Owner: Would you consider dressing up as a handicat for my daughter’s birthday? I can pay you all the cash dollars.
Intrigued by this request, I replied:
Dear Mrs. Brame, thank you for your interest in me humiliating myself at your daughter’s birthday party. I have an assortment of handicat characters in which you can choose such as Harvey the Incontinent, Snickers the Promiscuous FIV Positive, and Drunkard the Cat with Severe Cerebellar Hypoplasia. I can submit our catalog so that you can make a more informed decision based on pricing (though if you really loved your daughter, you would select Cat Rabies Molly). Unfortunately, I no longer accept cash dollars. However, I do accept Vodka, Vicodin, and unreasonably cheesy compliments about my appearance. Thanks for your interest in Handicats Across America. I look forward to hearing from you again soon as I am desperate for the attention.
And the conversation continued:
MRS. BRAME: Wow! I never dreamed there would be so many options. I’m torn between Snickers and Molly, though. FIV. Rabies. FIV. Rabies. What’s a girl to choose?!?! While compliments about your appearance may be hard to come by, Vicodin I got. Oh, do I have Vicodin. Did I mention my daughter is 36? That’s okay, right?
CARY: Since your daughter is over the age of 12, would you be interested in the “adult” handicat characters like Hannah in Heat, 9th Nipple Frisky, or Feline Urethral Obstruction Frank? These may be considered gray areas in terms of being considered a handicap, but in my homestead, they are. Also, you may not think that Feline Urethral Obstruction Frank would be an “adult” selection until you watch him in disbelief as he constantly licks his own privates. It’s pretty amazing.
MRS. BRAME: We saw Hannah in Vegas a few years ago. The things she does with a ping pong ball…well, that cat is solid gold talent. Might I book a 2 for 1 special with Hannah and Frank? It is her birthday, after all. Anything urethral sounds like a party to me.
CARY: I assure you, Mrs. Brame, that the Hannah you saw in Vegas was a direct rip off of mine. That stupid Cirque du Soleil thinks it can steal ideas from us little people, but legal action against it is still pending once I save up enough money to get a lawyer. I am also not interested in haggling. If you are not interested in paying me the full amount for my talent, I wish not to do business with you. Good day, Mrs. Brame.
In case you are wondering, Mrs. Brame is an actress I recently met when performing in a production of Company. As you can see from our conversation, she is my kindred spirit, and she is a pretty awesome person. So awesome that if a producer was ever stupid enough to give me my own television show, it would be incomplete if she was not my co-star.
For example, during the run of the show, we started a licking competition. The rules were simple: catch the other person off-guard and lick them somewhere. My favorite lick was standing backstage just moments before the show started. I whispered, “Break a leg, hon,” and leaned in to give a hug. She put her arms around me to reciprocate but ended up getting a lick from her nose to her forehead. By the time the show closed, I think I had won.
It’s nice to have a best-friend-of-a-gender-I-would-never-have-sex-with to be goofy with, to laugh with, to share movies during lunch with. And since I have met her, I am no longer taking applications for best friends. However, if you have recently submitted an application for placement as my best friend, I will place it on file in case this doesn’t work out (though I doubt it).
Do you have a best-friend-of-a-gender-you-would-never-have-sex-with?