Bunkerville Update

It’s been almost three weeks since militiamen flocked to Cliven Bundy’s ranch in Bunkerville, Nevada. A Nevada congressman is now calling on elected officials in the state to rid the town in his district of the militia members. Apparently, local citizens are tired of feeling intimidated. And the feds are playing it cautious to avoid another Waco standoff.

So how will this end? One militiaman recently claimed to have “intel” from a senior person at the DOJ that the government is preparing a “hot drone strike.” I know for a fact that this isn’t true because I have intel of my own, from a source that I can’t reveal. All I can tell you is that he works at the Bureau Of Engraving and is close to retirement. According to my source, the federal government is now debating three courses of action:

Option 1

Place a huge billboard near the ranch. It’ll read FREE AMMO! in big red letters and an arrow will point toward the parched, uninhabited desert. At five mile intervals there will be smaller signs like the ones you see along the interstate in South Dakota for Wall Drug (ie Keep Going! Wall Drug Just Ahead!). But at the one-hundred mile-mark the militiamen will find a small sign reading  SORRY, ALL OUT.

Option 2

Under cover of darkness, slip a mannequin into the Bundy compound. In the morning the militiamen will see a guy wearing one of those rasta hats with the fake dreadlocks attached. He’ll be wearing Birkenstocks, a Speedo, and a t-shirt that reads “The 2^nd Amendment Is For Pussies”. The hope here is that a spontaneous, circular-firing-squad-style shootout will resolve the issue internally.

Option 3

Block all access roads to the ranch. This will prevent food supplies from getting in. At a certain point the militiamen will run out of food. Desperate, they’ll go onto federal land and start eating shrubs. At which point the feds can arrest them for grazing without a permit.

My source tells me they’re leaning toward Option 3 because no one wants to see an innocent mannequin get shot.