Calling All Undo-It-Yourselfers. Cast Off Your Shame and Join Us

DIY 2There it goes again, the shriek of a buzz saw. My neighbor can’t stop himself. I swear he can’t go more than a day without cutting, hammering, puncturing, screwing, or smashing something.

He’s driven by a demon; the Handy Demon.

Yes, my neighbor is handy.

The term strikes fear and loathing into us non-handy types.

Handy guys know instinctively how to fix things and build stuff. Lumber is the clay they use to fashion decks, fences, house extensions, and pre-flood arks.

But for us handy-challenged guys the term lumber describes our demeanor as we traipse endlessly through the aisles of home improvement stores looking for the wrong widget to fix a problem we caused in the first place.

At parties we shuffle uneasily when the subject of handiness comes up.

“Jack’s really handy,” boasts the hostess, and launches into a description of how her husband has just finished converting the basement into a state-of-the-art home office that transforms into a luxury apartment when the word “handyman” is uttered.

A short silence follows until you come up with some lame excuse for not doing much in the way of handiwork, such as that childhood bout of Ebola disease that makes it difficult for you to draw straight lines or operate tools.

Or your better half chimes in. “We just hung a mirror,” she offers apologetically, without mentioning the wall space behind the mirror that looks like it was used for target practice by some crazy with an AK-47.

Maybe I’ll start a support group for unhandies. It’s time we came out of the closet (before the doors fall off). The group will meet every Tuesday night and talk about recent disasters. We’ll feature mangled projects, famous pieces of non-handiwork, and talk about life outside of handiness.

And the next time that damn buzz saw next door pierces the night, I’ll call the guys and we’ll take retaliatory action. We’ll cause a power outage, or leave a deformed orphan of a woodworking project on his doorstep that will give my handy neighbor nightmares for the rest of his perfectly jointed life.

Photo: Wikimedia

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