I consider myself a good mom and an effective parent. I’ve never gotten a call from the school or police department that started off like, “Please say that you are the parent of <insert child’s name here> because we really need you to come and pick up your kid. We would appreciate it if you would speed, and on the way home, start considering where else you might want to live…that is if you are not anything like what you spit out of your body and actually have a heart.”
I think it might be my parenting technique. I’m a tough love kinda girl… and not at all above getting back at the little monster that took the last ice cream sandwich without asking first.
Ever since my kids were little, I have spoken to them like the selfish ego maniacs they were eventually destined to become after being exposed to society and reality TV. I believe that my tactics served us all well, and have decided to share my wealth of knowledge with anyone else who is interested in claiming to have raised a young adult that prefers to wear underwear in public.
These little nuggets of wisdom that I bestowed on my kids were not only life changing for them, but also provided entertainment for me on days when it seemed like my only friends were a shot of Kamikaze and earplugs.
1. Kid (screaming): “No! I don’t want to!”
Mom: “I understand. That’s how I feel when I wake up in the morning and have to go to work to put a roof over your head and food in your mouth. So I’m thinking that we could save so much energy if instead of carrying on like that, you just tell me, ‘Mom, please punish me now.'”
2. Kid (screaming): “I hate you!”
Mom: “Nope. I asked ten of my closest friends and they said that it is impossible to hate me. So when I send you to your room to think about all of the things you’ve done, you can add lying to the list.”
3. Kid: “Mom you have to let me grow up. Soon I’ll even be driving.”
Mom: “You want me to let you be in charge of thousands of pounds of steel on the same streets where innocents walk, yet your excuse when I complain that you aren’t even responsible enough to put your empty glass in the dishwasher is, ‘But Mom, you didn’t tell me to put it in there.'”
4. Kid (texting on her cell phone and not getting ready to leave the house): “Mom! Stop rushing me!”
Mom (speaking into an imaginary TV monitor): “And for the folks at home, this is why kids should not do drugs. They dull the brain so much that you can’t focus and they slow you down. Cell phones are a much cheaper option.”
5. Mom: “Do you know kids that send people nude pictures of themselves?”
Kid (rolling her eyes): “Yes Mom, so many people do that.”
Mom: “Really? So that’s what we’re doing now? Well hey. That could really work out for some of them. Since employers use the internet to check up on potential new hires, Nude Middle School Selfie on their resume might be the most appealing thing about them…”
6. Kid: “Mom! You think you know everything, but you don’t! Times have changed since you were a kid, so shut up already!”
Mom: “I’m sorry. I could not understand one word you just said because I don’t speak Rude. However, if I did, my response would be something like, ‘You’d better get fluent in the language of Parental Respect in about five seconds or I’m going to knock your ass right into a place the natives like to call Haven’t Seen The Light Of Day Since I Stupidly Sassed My Awesomely Perfect Mother.'”
Please share your most effective Cut The Crapisms with me. I’m totally open to finding new ways of instilling life lessons and fear in the ones I love.