Cut The Crapisms | HumorOutcasts

Cut The Crapisms

October 24, 2014
By

I consider myself a good mom and an effective parent. I’ve never gotten a call from the school or police department that started off like, “Please say that you are the parent of <insert child’s name here> because we really need you to come and pick up your kid. We would appreciate it if you would speed, and on the way home, start considering where else you might want to live…that is if you are not anything like what you spit out of your body and actually have a heart.”
I think it might be my parenting technique. I’m a tough love kinda girl… and not at all above getting back at the little monster that took the last ice cream sandwich without asking first.

Ali Sweet 168

Ever since my kids were little, I have spoken to them like the selfish ego maniacs they were eventually destined to become after being exposed to society and reality TV. I believe that my tactics served us all well, and have decided to share my wealth of knowledge with anyone else who is interested in claiming to have raised a young adult that prefers to wear underwear in public.
These little nuggets of wisdom that I bestowed on my kids were not only life changing for them, but also provided entertainment for me on days when it seemed like my only friends were a shot of Kamikaze and earplugs.

cut the crapisms

 1. Kid (screaming): “No! I don’t want to!”
Mom: “I understand. That’s how I feel when I wake up in the morning and have to go to work to put a roof over your head and food in your mouth. So I’m thinking that we could save so much energy if instead of carrying on like that, you just tell me, ‘Mom, please punish me now.'”
  2. Kid (screaming): “I hate you!”
Mom: “Nope. I asked ten of my closest friends and they said that it is impossible to hate me. So when I send you to your room to think about all of the things you’ve done, you can add lying to the list.”
3. Kid: “Mom you have to let me grow up. Soon I’ll even be driving.”
Mom: “You want me to let you be in charge of thousands of pounds of steel on the same streets where innocents walk, yet your excuse when I complain that you aren’t even responsible enough to put your empty glass in the dishwasher is, ‘But Mom, you didn’t tell me to put it in there.'”

cut the crapisms1
4. Kid (texting on her cell phone and not getting ready to leave the house): “Mom! Stop rushing me!”
Mom (speaking into an imaginary TV monitor): “And for the folks at home, this is why kids should not do drugs. They dull the brain so much that you can’t focus and they slow you down. Cell phones are a much cheaper option.”
5. Mom: “Do you know kids that send people nude pictures of themselves?”
Kid (rolling her eyes): “Yes Mom, so many people do that.”
Mom: “Really? So that’s what we’re doing now? Well hey. That could really work out for some of them. Since employers use the internet to check up on potential new hires, Nude Middle School Selfie on their resume might be the most appealing thing about them…”
6. Kid: “Mom! You think you know everything, but you don’t! Times have changed since you were a kid, so shut up already!”
Mom: “I’m sorry. I could not understand one word you just said because I don’t speak Rude. However, if I did, my response would be something like, ‘You’d better get fluent in the language of Parental Respect in about five seconds or I’m going to knock your ass right into a place the natives like to call Haven’t Seen The Light Of Day Since I Stupidly Sassed My Awesomely Perfect Mother.'”
Please share your most effective Cut The Crapisms with me. I’m totally open to finding new ways of instilling life lessons and fear in the ones I love.

CF Winn

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BJVSHPE You can now order SUKI in paperback at http://hopress-shorehousebooks.com/cf-winn/ or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO

More Posts - Website - Twitter - Facebook - Google Plus - StumbleUpon - YouTube

Share this Post:

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Responses to Cut The Crapisms

  1. October 26, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    It’s a new world for parents for sure.

    • October 26, 2014 at 6:40 pm

      Yes indeed.

  2. October 25, 2014 at 8:02 am

    Ha ha ha…I’ll bet that if you had been MY mother, my brothers wouldn’t have come home drunk as often as they did….

  3. October 25, 2014 at 7:26 am

    My kids knew that if they returned home late from any event, I would drive to that event with my PJs still on. Not bad, right, until you consider that I wear my PJs inside out because I can’t stand the tags. Kids hate to be embarrassed, so that tactic worked well for me after the first time they abused curfew.



User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle


New Release
Lite Whines and Laughter: Mild Rants and Musings on the Mundane
By Lee Gaitan and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle



New Release
It Comes From Within: Living with Bipolar Illness
By Michael Solomon. and Shorehouse Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle



Archives