Dear Ryan Gosling, Please Break Up With Eva

photo credit: gdcgraphics via photopin cc
photo credit: gdcgraphics via photopin cc

Ryan Gosling has been in the news recently because he allegedly got Evan Mendes pregnant.  He hasn’t denied it but I won’t believe it until the DNA test is complete.  Even then, I’m sure she tricked him.

Despite being a baby-daddy, I still want Ryan to break up with Eva.  He doesn’t need to be tied down, unless he’s physically being tied down by me.

Since I feel so strongly on this subject, I’ve decided to draft a letter to Ryan to convince him to break up with Eva.  Hopefully this will do the trick and I won’t have to turn to more drastic measures.  I really don’t want to camp outside his house…again.

Dear Ryan,

Please break up with Eva.  She doesn’t really love you.  If you don’t believe me, and need more proof she’s not the one for you, here you go.

Dear Ryan,

Please break up with Eva.  Here are a few reasons why.

1. Patriotism  

I’m not saying she’s a communist, but there’s no proof she isn’t.   Remember the red scare? Don’t put our nation in danger. Ry-Ry.

Don’t you love America?  I know you do, even though you’re Canadian.  Don’t all Canadians love America?  Of course they do.  So break up with her for America.

Do you want to make this girl cry?  Don’t make this girl cry, Ryan.  She loves red, white and blue.  She’s also deaf…and dying of cancer…and she has one arm.

Girl Pledging Allegiance to the Flag

<cut to shot of flag blowing in the breeze and “America the Beautiful” playing in the background>

2. Does Eva really love animals?

She’s beautiful, sure.  Her make-up is always impeccable, but do we know for sure if it’s tested on animals?  There’s no way to know that for sure, but she’s been a spokesperson for Revlon.  As a PETA supporter, you know what Revlon does to animals.

You love your dog, George, right?   Basically, she’s spitting in his face and rubbing lotion in his eyes every time she uses eyeliner.

True Story.

photo credit: poldberg via photopin cc

3. You guys met on the set of a movie.

Is that really the foundation of a long lasting relationship? I don’t know, maybe you should ask your former co-star and ex lover Rachel McAdams.   How did that turn out?

And what about Sandra Bullock?  Don’t you know that mixing business and pleasure isn’t a good idea?  (That is, unless “business” and “pleasure” are alternate words for our naughty parts…then yes…they totally mix.)

One word: Gili

4. She kicks George when you’re not around.

It’s true.  It’s why she gets so mad when the paparazzi follow her.  She doesn’t want proof of her dirty deeds.

Okay, so I don’t technically have anything to support this claim, but if it were true, wouldn’t it be a really bad thing?  And aren’t we taught to assume the worst?  Yeah, it’s called preparation, Ryan.

5.  She’s a really bad driver.

Don’t you remember in 2007 when she had four accidents in one day?   You read that right…four.

You were the star of a film called Drive.  It’s practically a slap in the face to your career to be with someone who isn’t a good driver.  I mean,  you don’t want someone who can’t operate machinery …ahem…operating your machinery.

No.  Instead, you need someone with an impeccable driving record and a reduction in insurance premiums due to limited claim filings.  You know, hypothetically…

self portrait right side up
This chick looks awesome, and like a really good driver.

I could go on and on about this Ryan, but I’m sure I’ve already convinced you.  I mean, sure, Eva seems really nice and charitable.  Sure, she’s also beautiful, and she’s never been accused of assaulting anyone, but is that the standard?   Is not assaulting someone the standard you’re using?  If so, then I’m your girl.

Just don’t pull up those recent charges when I encountered some Girl Scouts and they were out of Somoas and Thin Mints.  Those allegations are erroneous!

****NOTE:  I didn’t really assault any Girl Scouts.  It’s not assualt if they had it coming.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Ryan Gosling, Please Break Up With Eva”

  1. He certainly can’t question your passion or attention to details that most people wouldn’t bother to care about… Good luck on your quest for love.

  2. I hope it happens because, quite frankly, I am getting kind of tired of Eva calling and texting me in the middle of the night. If you take Ryan, Eva can finally set free to come on over to me!

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