Every year during the month of October, AMC Network broadcasts horror movies which range from the classic Dracula and Frankenstein films to the Halloween and Friday the 13th franchises. While I am always entertained during this month, occasionally I do get bored as I know all these films by heart. So I have come up with a list of new movies that I would like Hollywood to make so that next October, I can watch scary movies without reciting the lines before the actors.
The Wolfman of Wall Street: In this flick Leonardo DiCaprio gets bitten by the CEO of JP Morgan Chase. Each full moon, he sprouts hair, claws and teeth and attacks unsuspecting homeowners stealing their homes and their souls just for fun.
Bigfoot Takes Beverly Hills: Big Foot leaves the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest and heads to southern California where he legally changes his name to Yeti. In Beverly Hills, he mingles with the stars, gets a makeover and becomes the newest love interest for Jennifer Lopez. Spotted at a local Starbucks the media dubs the duo “Jeti.” Talk of marriage ensues until Yeti refuses to be a back up dancer for one of Jennifer’s videos and he escapes back to the wild leaving behind his former love and his thong costume he wore for the video. (get ready to cry at this ending.)
Zombienado: A couple finds themselves stranded in the middle of Kansas. As storm clouds
form in the distance, the man decides he must find shelter for himself and his fiancée. He runs to a farmhouse and begs for assistance. He notices the farmer has a weird look in his eyes plus he seems to be oozing blood, and his skin is falling off. Undaunted and extremely stupid, he still begs for assistance. The farmer lets the couple in just as a tornado is about to hit the house. They rush to the storm cellar, and the couple mistakenly thinks they are saved, but what’s in the cellar? Zombies, of course. The couple breaks free and runs into the corn field, where they come face to face with the tornado. As they look up into the vortex, they are blown away (literally) by what they see! You guessed it more zombies. In fact, it’s the tornado that is bringing the zombies to Kansas; it’s a Zombienado! The lovers are sucked up into the cyclone and devoured by the zombies as they spin over Topeka.
The Bride of Kardashian: Pretty self-explanatory. Kim Kardashian takes control over men using her well eye-lined eyes and her ample derriere. She needs the blood from men to maintain her ageless beauty. Unfortunately the men, who fall under her spell, are never heard from again as they and their careers are thrown into the bottomless abyss which is located inside her mother’s house.
The Exercisist: A woman joins a gym to drop a few pounds before her high school reunion. She is assigned a personal trainer who will assist her in her goal. The first few sessions are encouraging, but then her friends begin to notice a change in her personality; she doesn’t seem to be the same fun-loving girl. She seems possessed. One day while out to lunch with friends, she growls and snarls when her food is brought to her. Large canine teeth protrude from her mouth.
She jumps onto the table and throws the plates of food at the puzzled serving staff. Without warning, she begins to levitate above the room and demands that the other diners in the restaurant participate in a 20-minute Zumba session. She vomits split pea soup and hurls knives at those who refuse to join in the fitness dance. With no other recourse, the restaurant brings in the Exercisist to flush out the fitness fanatic. Using slices of cheesecake and hot fudge brownie sundaes, he lures the demon back into her chair and makes her renounce the evil of a no-carb diet. Intense stuff. You will never look at a treadmill or a Pilates class the same way again.
PAWS—What happens when a Shark mates with Cujo? Well, you get Paws. The mayhem created by this hybrid creature knows no bounds. The monster comes out of the ocean to feast on any kind of meat it can find on land. It is ugly, furry and has a dorsal fin and big teeth. Unfortunately, in its quest for nourishment, it will find a man walking alone on a country road, a woman trying to start her car in a dark parking lot and a puppy. Don’t worry; only the man and woman get eaten. The puppy escapes because every filmmaker knows, people are expendable but puppies are not.